You can’t make this stuff up: A few years ago, I met a guy named Mr. Wright (yes, seriously). He sold office furniture for a living and had a personality that matched his chosen profession (read: yawn). We dated for a bit, and he was into me and wanted to get serious.
For a moment, I considered it: he was stable, nice, and (relatively) funny. I was no spring chicken, so the prospect of settng up a comfortable life with him was appealing. But there were no butterflies. Our conversations were mundane at best and that lack of passion meant things were ho-hum between the sheets too. After careful consideration, I ended it. I just couldn’t trade butterflies for stability.
But many women are settling for Mr. “He Will Do” instead of holding out for “Mr. Right.” I think they are selling themselves short (and screwing over their future happiness). It’s not fair to them or their guy. Here’s why:
1. Settling means you’ll resent him
You may not want to admit it, but if you settle for someone, chances are they are never going to live up to your ideals. If you keep expecting him to be something that he’s not, you’ll only be bitter and disappointed, and he’ll feel like a failure.
2. Your relationship is going to be routine
When you settle, your relationship is based on routine, not romance. Both partners have to want to impress and woo the other (making impromptu dinner plans, creating a new playlist for your partner’s iPod, planning a romantic getaway, etc). If you feel like you’ve settled, what’s the incentive to impress the other person? You’re always going to feel like that person owes you something, so the likelihood of you being spontaneous and ‘renewing the woo’ is almost nil.
3. Your sex life won’t be as satisfying
Sure, every couple experiences ups-and-downs in the bedroom. But if you settle, it’s likely that your sex life won’t be up to snuff, right from the get-go. It will most likely be a means to end (maybe you settled because you wanted to have kids?) than an exercise in bringing you closer together and a deeper sign of your love and commitment for each other. Sex should never feel like an obligation.
4. Don’t get married just because “everyone is doing it”
Don’t settle just because you don’t want to be the that “swinging single” gal when all of your friends are getting serious. Sure, it can be frustrating to see all of your friends walk down the aisle while you’re the girl knocking back Jé¤gerbombs at the singles’ table. But shacking up with someone to just keep up appearances is never a good idea. Truth is, many married people are far lonelier than many single people are. Getting married does not equal instant happiness.
5. Don’t settle just because you think you can learn to love someone
This is really a copout. Settling for a guy that you think you’ll eventually learn to love really never pans out. Chances are, if you’re not into him off the bat, you ain’t going to be into him 15 years down the road. Of course marriage isn’t sunshine and daisies all the time, but if that love isn’t there right away, it’s pretty tough to will yourself into it.
I got to know someone else – a very intricate story- who made my heart feel whole. I fell in love completely with her but unfortunately the timing for a relationship was not right. The short time we spent together was probably the most intense and meaningful relationship I have ever had in my life!
My point is: Settling will always end in heartbreak and confusion. You know when you really feel butterflies for someone from the get go. Trust your instincts and follow you heart and your common sense and always love yourself first!
Peace
I’ll be surprised if you are happy with the new guy after eight years–I suspect that a woman who is discontent with a “an intelligent, honest, faithful, funny, charming man person” will remain discontent. People who are unhappy and discontent, in spite of having good things, stay that way. And by the way, it sounds to me like your ex was the one settling.
I got to know someone else – a very intricate story- who made my heart feel whole. I fell in love completely with her but unfortunately the timing for a relationship was not right. The short time we spent together was probably the most intense and meaningful relationship I have ever had in my life!
My point is: Settling will always end in heartbreak and confusion. You know when you really feel butterflies for someone from the get go. Trust your instincts and follow you heart and your common sense and always love yourself first!
Peace
I’ll be surprised if you are happy with the new guy after eight years–I suspect that a woman who is discontent with a “an intelligent, honest, faithful, funny, charming man person” will remain discontent. People who are unhappy and discontent, in spite of having good things, stay that way. And by the way, it sounds to me like your ex was the one settling.
Sadly, I think there are still alot of people out there (like one of the people who posted their response here), who totally DON’T get it. If you don’t have a spark/connection that is deep, it it just not really going to work out in the long term. It doesn’t matter how nice/decent/whatever a guy is, if he doesn’t float your boat, it is probably just not meant to be for a life time. It has NOTHING to do with believing in fairy tales, it is just the reality of wanting a DEEP, SOUL CONNECTION with someone. That is hard to find, and is also probably the reason for the high divorce rate. People just not marrying the right person for them.
Remember, if you make a decision based on FEAR (i.e. this may be my last chance at love so I better marry him; I don’t want to be alone; everyone else is having a baby I better too; I am getting old…), it is usually the wrong thing to do.
I think you’re missing the point of Ms. Goodwin’s article if you think she wants women to forgo shy, kind, average-looking guys in favour of hot, sexy a$$holes. The point is not to settle, period. Other than the description of the furniture salesman, there is no mention of appearances. I agree with your points that initial hormone buzzes wear off and relationships require effort and compromise, but those are indirectly addressed. It doesn’t mean that Ms. Goodwin’s points aren’t also correct.
I spent 8 years with an intelligent, honest, faithful, funny, charming man (not a hot, sexy jerk), but I settled. Everyone thought he was perfect for me. On paper, we should have worked. He was my best friend and I loved him, but it was companionate love. There was no passion and I eventually became very unhappy and depressed. Sometimes, even the nicest guy is wrong for you.
I am now in love with a man whose traits are comparable to the first. However, sparks from the start, the best first kiss I’ve ever had, and I still have butterflies after 2 years, even with the usual ups and downs.
For the record, I was never a fairy tale princess. I was, am, and always will be a practical tomboy.
Sadly, I think there are still alot of people out there (like one of the people who posted their response here), who totally DON’T get it. If you don’t have a spark/connection that is deep, it it just not really going to work out in the long term. It doesn’t matter how nice/decent/whatever a guy is, if he doesn’t float your boat, it is probably just not meant to be for a life time. It has NOTHING to do with believing in fairy tales, it is just the reality of wanting a DEEP, SOUL CONNECTION with someone. That is hard to find, and is also probably the reason for the high divorce rate. People just not marrying the right person for them.
Remember, if you make a decision based on FEAR (i.e. this may be my last chance at love so I better marry him; I don’t want to be alone; everyone else is having a baby I better too; I am getting old…), it is usually the wrong thing to do.
I think you’re missing the point of Ms. Goodwin’s article if you think she wants women to forgo shy, kind, average-looking guys in favour of hot, sexy a$$holes. The point is not to settle, period. Other than the description of the furniture salesman, there is no mention of appearances. I agree with your points that initial hormone buzzes wear off and relationships require effort and compromise, but those are indirectly addressed. It doesn’t mean that Ms. Goodwin’s points aren’t also correct.
I spent 8 years with an intelligent, honest, faithful, funny, charming man (not a hot, sexy jerk), but I settled. Everyone thought he was perfect for me. On paper, we should have worked. He was my best friend and I loved him, but it was companionate love. There was no passion and I eventually became very unhappy and depressed. Sometimes, even the nicest guy is wrong for you.
I am now in love with a man whose traits are comparable to the first. However, sparks from the start, the best first kiss I’ve ever had, and I still have butterflies after 2 years, even with the usual ups and downs.
For the record, I was never a fairy tale princess. I was, am, and always will be a practical tomboy.
You have thoroughly bought the hallmark, hollywood, fairy tale GARBAGE that little girls are spoon fed these days. That you are all princesses that will find “true love” and live “happily ever after”. Get a dose of reality.
Most relationships that start with “butterflies” or a “spark” are based on a very shaky foundation. It is just hormones. It is just that “new car feeling”. Sure it is exciting but it FADES. That’s why – in our instant gratification, me-first world – the divorce rate is so damn high. We expect that exhilaration to last forever. When it goes, we go.
You suggest that “learning to love someone” is improbable or signifies “settling”. That is sad. Relationships are hard work. Part of that work involves learning to see past a person’s outward appearance, to get to know them beyond the stage where they are simply trying to impress you. Sure a spectacular start is nice. A good story. People need to be more focussed on the long-term, not the honeymoon period.
What do you think is easier? Teaching a smoking hot, sexy, philandering a#@hole to be respectful, kind, unselfish and monogamous or teaching a shy, average looking guy who is already kind, respectful and unselfish and faithful to be sexy? Ask a woman who gave her man a second look and is happily married. They are probably best friends. You may expect her to be bitter and resentful, longing – what you’ll probably find is someone who found happiness.
You have thoroughly bought the hallmark, hollywood, fairy tale GARBAGE that little girls are spoon fed these days. That you are all princesses that will find “true love” and live “happily ever after”. Get a dose of reality.
Most relationships that start with “butterflies” or a “spark” are based on a very shaky foundation. It is just hormones. It is just that “new car feeling”. Sure it is exciting but it FADES. That’s why – in our instant gratification, me-first world – the divorce rate is so damn high. We expect that exhilaration to last forever. When it goes, we go.
You suggest that “learning to love someone” is improbable or signifies “settling”. That is sad. Relationships are hard work. Part of that work involves learning to see past a person’s outward appearance, to get to know them beyond the stage where they are simply trying to impress you. Sure a spectacular start is nice. A good story. People need to be more focussed on the long-term, not the honeymoon period.
What do you think is easier? Teaching a smoking hot, sexy, philandering a#@hole to be respectful, kind, unselfish and monogamous or teaching a shy, average looking guy who is already kind, respectful and unselfish and faithful to be sexy? Ask a woman who gave her man a second look and is happily married. They are probably best friends. You may expect her to be bitter and resentful, longing – what you’ll probably find is someone who found happiness.