Boy, have I dated some real doozies/idiots/pieces of manure in my time. Musicians. Writers. Comedians. Bartenders. IT guys. Graphic designers. Baristas. Dog walkers. Heck, one time I even went on a date with a man who refused to tell me what he did for a living. So, you know what that meant? Yup. He was a mafia boss. I was just happy that I left the bar alive.
I’ve heard my fair share of messed up statements uttered from the brains of privileged straight guys who saw absolutely nothing wrong with what they said. They regularly thought their comments were profound or funny or deep. But in actuality they were annoying and nightmarish and bewildering and rage inducing and casually sexist and blatantly sexist and borderline sexist aka for sure sexist.
In several cases, insane questions were the catalyst for our eventual doom. Some of these relationships only lasted a couple of months. Some were a couple of years. Others, mere minutes. Regardless of the time frame, they all seemed to resemble a too real British farce. I hope that you can laugh at my pain and their ridiculousness and my dumping of them. Enjoy!
1. After attempting and failing to lose my virginity about a dozen times because my hymen was just too damn stubborn, my first boyfriend said Don’t worry. This is totally normal. I’ve been with lots of virgins. I then replied Why? Are you collecting us? and he said I don’t… think so
His uncertainty with that answer was what got me. As if he was pursuing virgin after virgin but hadn’t realized it until that moment and then he was never the same.
2. I was standing beside my mother and sister crying at my grandfather’s funeral. A BF comes up to me, gives me a big hug and whispers into my ear You look really hot today.
Maybe not the time or the place or the emotional state for you to hit on me, sir. There is literally a casket two feet away. I do look super good in black though. He wasn’t wrong.
3. I was eating a bowl of Golden Grahams in his kitchen and he yelled from the living room Why are you chewing so loudly? I can hear you from here. I mean, go ahead and finish eating but just know that it is loud¦ and I’m trying to watch Breaking Bad. So…
He was a controlling asshole but this was extreme even for him. No man tells ME how to chew. Can I get an AMEN? Also, who doesn’t eat Golden Grahams that way? They’re a LOUD food.
4. We entered his bedroom. I said, So, do you want to make love? He responded with I think you should shower first and maybe groom… down there? Just a thought. I’m also tired. Goodnight!
That was the only time in my life that my nostrils actually flared. I put on my coat, picked up my purse and left his apartment. We didn’t speak for a week. I never groomed again.
5. We were watching a wildlife documentary and there was a scene where a lion gives birth. I asked if he had ever seen an animal go into labour. He said Yeah. I saw a dog give birth to a ton of puppies. I replied Oh, really?!? Then he paused, thought about it for a second and said Actually, no. I think that was 101 Dalmations.
He mixed movies up with reality often, which was an adorable, confusing trait. One time he told me a story that was basically just the plot of Stand by Me.
6. I took my birth control in front of a friend at a party once and when we got back to his place later on he asked Can you not take your pill in front of people? I’d like our sex life to be private. I assumed he was joking so I laughed hysterically, until he interrupted me with I’m serious.
We then fought for three hours. No man controls MY artificial hormone intake. Can I get an AMEN?
7. We were sitting on his bed, kissing, then suddenly he stopped and said I want to show you something. I assumed he meant his penis. I encouraged him to do so. He then began to take out bins upon bins upon bins from underneath his bed all filled with quarters and dimes and loonies. This is my coin collection. I have thousands of them.
I feared for my life that night. Turns out he’s very lovely and just likes shiny stuff.
8. He was telling me about how packed his schedule had been that day and started rattling off the many things he accomplished. I got up so early for work. Then I had to pick up that desk. Then I had to fix my computer. Then I had that meeting. Then I had to give you sex. I’m so busy.
Giving me sex was on his to do list. What a philanthropist! He generously gave me his dick AND his balls AND didn’t go down on me. He was a true Canadian hero.
9. He was talking about his teenage years in the small town where he grew up and he was describing this girl who he had a HUGE crush on. He ended the story with But then I told my dad that I liked her and he said ˜You can’t like her. She’s your cousin’. I had no idea.
Just a small town, boy! Born and raised liking his blood relatives. He took the midnight train accidentally goin’ towards his hot family.
10. One time we were each sitting in front of our computers and he randomly said in the most frustrated tone Ah. Miss Piggy is SO annoying. Kermit can do better.
We then fought for three hours.
11. My roommate was hanging out in the living room with me and my boyfriend. Eventually she got up and went to her bedroom. As soon as she exited he said She’s mad at you. I inquired, But why would she be mad? and he said, You tell me.
I was in an episode of Gossip Girl except the mean girl at school was my boyfriend in my apartment. Turns out that she wasn’t mad at all. OR WAS SHE? xoxo Gossip Girl.
12. After we finished having the intercourse, he looked upset. I asked what was wrong. He pointed to a baby picture of me and my sister that I just had hung up above my bed. Then he said I can’t stop thinking about how I just had sex with someone… who used to be a baby.
WHY? WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY THAT? I tried to comfort him by explaining that he also used to be a baby but that made things worse. We never had sex again.
13. It was our first date and I had adult braces. Near the end of the night he leaned in and kissed me. When he pulled away he proudly said, I’m not scared of your braces.
Another Canadian hero. Slow clap for kissing despite orthodontics. He deserved a medal for making out with me. Definitely still feared blow jobs though.
14. We watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer because he had never seen it before and it is one of my favourite shows. When it finished I asked him what he thought of it. He paused, then yelled I think I hated it! and left the room.
I lost all respect for him that day. We broke up two years later.
15. He came to one of my comedy shows. He wasn’t a comedian and had never been to one before. After I got off stage the first thing he said to me was, I don’t know if women are funny.
We broke up a minute later.
