Hi! Hello. Welcome to the section of the Internet reserved to exclusively remind each and every one of you to vote today. Yes, today. This day. October 19, #elxn42. Specifically, now. Also the day of a Blue Jays game, but we’re not going to worry about that for the next five minutes because this is about you, me, and your civil obligation.
That’s right, “obligation.” That thing you have to do or run the risk of becoming a permanent garbage person. It’s true. I’m sorry, there’s just no in-between. Voting is the one trade-off we get for complaining about the way things are done around here. People died so we could vote. Like, actually passed away. That’s terrifying and a lot to take in, barely into the second paragraph of a post usually reserved for my pop culture anecdotes, but here we are. Reality. Vote or die, sort to speak. Only in this case, vote or be the literal problem you wish to be in the world.
Not voting is embarrassing. It’s like admitting you don’t read or that “you’re not like other girls” while trying to make other girls feel shitty. Just don’t. Be cool. Stop it. Not voting is like that moment in You’ve Got Mail when Tom Hanks takes all the caviar. (What the fuck was that about?) Not voting is the civil equivalent of “not all men!” in that it’s beyond eye roll-inducing and I’m pretty sure evil. Not voting is like going up to anyone fighting for democratic freedoms in any part of the world and saying, “LOLOLOLOLOLOL.” Not voting is like that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Anne Hathaway’s character throws out a perfectly good steak. Not voting is the worst.
But you know this, because you are a responsible person who understands that voting makes you an active participant in our government. It means you get to have a say, and that you can complain all you want if a politician does something that makes you unhappy, and that you are utilizing a right that so, so, so, many people are deprived of having. Like, hi: we get to decide who the Prime Minister is. That’s a pretty big deal! Also, cool! It is cool. I like knowing that I might be responsible for, say, someone I don’t like not having any say in the way I live my life. (Not that I’m telling anyone here who I didn’t vote for, but I have a Twitter feed and my political leanings are evident on it, and hello, how are you.) So, I like that. I like power. Some might say I’m drunk with it, but I’m pretty sure it’s the vitamin B12 pill I take every morning that makes me think I can conquer the world. I like that we get to be like, “Yeah, no.” Or, “Yeah, yes.”
I like that voting is a thing we get to do, and I like that I am now ready to ex-communicate anyone who doesn’t do it. So yes: vote. Vote like you’ve never voted before. Vote like it’s something you put “fuck yes” in front of. Vote like it’s Spring Fling, and you want Cady Heron to take the crown because you think she pushed Regina George in front of a bus. Vote like you’re voting for Regina George because she got pushed in front of a bus. Pick Flick. Go Clovers. Now, I’m just saying things from movies I’ve seen.
The moral of the story? Vote. Vote!