10 F*cked Up Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Season 12, Episode 5

So we left off two weeks ago with JoJo sending Chad home during the two-on-one date with Alex. After a brief hiatus we were back on The Bachelorette, watching all of the of the action and drama go down.

1. So, we were without Chad for a brief moment until he made his way back to the house and had a mini final blowout with some of the guys who had just had a funeral for their housemate’s departure, spreading protein powder ashes. Of course, Chad went out with a quick “I’m out” twirl while at the same time the news of him appearing on the next season of Bachelor in Paradise circulated Twitter (it airs August 2, you know we’ll be all over it).

2. Now that the “common enemy” was gone, when everyone arrived at the cocktail party, it was back to all of the guys amping up the competition as some guys who already had roses stole some of JoJo’s time from the other not-so-safe guys (when, oh when, will this stop being surprising to contenders?).

3. Jordan (who had a rose already) stole JoJo away for a steamy kiss that had us all like


4. After the rose ceremony where James F. (the guy who read JoJo a poem) and Daniel got sent home, JoJo and the remaining 11 guys headed off to Uruguay. Jordan got the solo date of the week and was off to a steamy start, but took a bit of a turn when Jordan addressed some rumours she’d hurt about Jordan from his ex-girlfriend. He gave a fairly satisfactory honest answer and got himself a rose and they kissed some more and all was right for that moment. 5. Back at the hotel, some of the guys were getting the Vinny barbershop treatment and they started reading gossip mags because they’re girls and started to form conspiracy theories about Jordan and his former NFL days. Then they started on the love that may or may not still be present between JoJo and her ex-but-not-quite-an-ex-boyfriend (who was also named Chad).

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6. Then, because the producers are ASSHOLES, they showed JoJo the article and this is exactly how it went down:

7. JoJo immediately went to address the issues to the guys and the general consensus was that she was too upset to be disingenuous (DUH) and they all stopped with that “she’s not here for the right reasons” crap.

8. On the group date with Wells, Evan, Derek and Alex and a bunch of other guys we can’t remember, Derek, who had the first one-on-one date, took some solo time with JoJo to lay out some of his insecurities. Furthering the first solo date curse of being that jealous guy, he told JoJo that he felt like they had something good and he basically hadn’t had enough attention. Since Chad is gone, Alex needed someone else to hate and pointed his loathing towards Derek, calling him an “insecure little bitch” when JoJo gave Derek the date rose to “assure him.” Ugh, dramz.

9. JoJo took Robby the hipster Ken doll on a solo date and the two jumped off a cliff. (Editor’s note: I would never jump off a cliff with someone I didn’t want to die next to, but Ken Robby was okay because he’s a professional swimmer.) After they took their leap for love (had to), Robby told JoJo his sad back story that went something along the lines of #YOLO and then dropped the L-bomb in such a weird way that it came off less romantic and more like this:

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10. In a weird turn for Bachelor Nation, we got TWO ROSE CEREMONIES in ONE EPISODE after JoJo decided to skip the cocktail party and send Grant, Evan and Vinny home (all three of them leaving with tears in their eyes, but only Vinny tugged at our heart strings).

Tags: Bachelor in Paradise, Bachelor Pad, ben higgins, chad johnson, joelle fletcher, jojo fletcher, lauren bushnell, the bachelor, the bachelorette, The Bachelorette season 12, warm weather

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