Admit it, if you’ve not yet done a juice fast, your favourite past time is googling them and/or talking about them to anyone who will lend an ear. Before you embark on your quest for wellness, be warned, juicing is not as glamorous as it may seem. You may know the benefits of juicing better than you know your own name, but there are 5 stages of juicing you may not be so familiar with: The 5 Stages of Insanity.
Stage 1: Obsession
The mail man finally arrives with your package of obnoxiously expensive juices. You paid $300 for 3 days because it obviously holds the elixir of life. It’s all you can talk, text, or Tweet about. You proudly hashtag your pictures #DrinkYoGreens and even throw your Nikes in the mix to really make your point.
Stage 2: Denial
So what if you feel the need to pee every few minutes? This juice fast is great. In fact, you’ve never felt better! You definitely don’t miss chewing real food, and that feeling of lightheadedness isn’t starvation, it’s your body thanking you.
Stage 3: The Clean Sweep
You hate food and you don’t need it. You proceed to throw out all your junk food. At this point your significant other/family/roommates grow increasingly concerned for you, so you take it upon yourself to assume the role of Health Messiah. You throw out their food and encourage them to embark on this journey with you.
Stage 4: Rage
You begin to feel like everyone around you is toxic. They are trying to get between you and your juice fast by asking you if you’re feeling okay. You start feeling hostile towards that girl in your office who brought pasta for lunch. You also begin to feel bouts of anger at the juice company for misleading you into thinking you’d have more energy. These aren’t feelings brought forth by hanger, they are epiphanies.
Stage 5: Desperation
You start opening the fridge in hopes of watching your juice bottles magically transform into fries. You stare at a plate hoping this nightmare will end. You sob a little. You feel a rush of emotion when you read the news and blame yourself for your last break up. You take a few prolonged naps hoping to expedite the juicing process.
Thankfully, Stage 5 marks either the end of your juice fast or you making a decision to prematurely end it (before it ends your soul). You order yourself an XL pizza and all is right in the world again.
Funny. But oh so totally inaccurate. But still “cute”. but should come up as SATiRE, not when people are looking for legitimate information