You know what? I’ve had it up to here (I’m pointing to my head) (specifically, I have stood up for effect and then pointed to my head) with anyone willing to pretend they’re not about the procrastination life. I’m sick of the lies and the deception and the idea that you “have it together” while us procrastinators do not. So here it is. Proof.
Proof that procrastination is the ultimate productivity tool. Proof that I, who procrastinate more than anyone I’ve ever met in my life, am just as good as you people”you, with your “time management skills” and “free evenings.”
Here are all the reasons procrastination is superior, so take that.
1) I know exactly what is happening on the internet at all times because I scroll through Twitter all day, every day, even now, when I should be writing this.
2) I’ve used any notepad paper I’ve been given as a gift to make lists of all the things I should be doing, including “make a list.”
3) My sock drawer is so organized it’s disgusting.
4) I’ve learned to write 700 words in a matter of minutes while screaming, “HOW IT IS ALREADY 2 P.M.?!?!”
5) I’ve learned how to accuse the clocks in my home of lying to me.
6) I’ve created a very important bond with my cat by asking him how he is or waking him up to ask if he’s a baby, a tiny baby, a small boy.
7) I’m now very good at doing laundry and forgetting it’s in the washing machine and then finding it in a wet pile on top of the washing machine.
8) I’m now very good at saying, “Who did this?!” to only a spider nearby.
9) I know how many cups of coffee I can drink without getting so jittery I begin screaming at the sun.
10) I’m an expert at reading the start of things and then forgetting about them and then realizing I need to go back and read it again, with only five minutes to start and finish a piece.
11) I can make a 45-minute errand out of everything.
12) I know how to listen for the mail-person and then look at her with disdain if a paycheque isn’t in my mailbox.
13) I’ve become a pro at forgetting I did not actually invoice for that one thing, so I should double check all of my invoices and all of the mail and every email I’ve ever sent.
14) I can make the process of starring emails last 12 minutes.
15) I know only how to operate under a panic, so if I assume I am being tricked if I feel zen for any minute for any reason.
16) I made this list when I should be editing a long form.
Now your turn.