Greetings sports fans! It's almost here: Christmas. But more exciting, Boxing Day and the bevy of sales that will rise from the ashes of our dehydrating Christmas trees.
Since I was 12, I lived for this shit. If I wasn't at the mall on Boxing Day, my entire life was purposeless. It was on Boxing Day I once bought an inflatable couch. On Boxing Day I saw You've Got Mail (IN THEATRES). On Boxing Day I bought what I think may have been a feather boa. On Boxing Day I FOR SURE bought a tin purse I brought with me to my grade eight graduation. "TAKE MY MONEY!" I would all but scream in line at HMV. "I NEED THE NEW SPICE GIRLS SINGLE!"
And I did. I did need it. But do you know what I need now? Nothing. Nothing at all. But especially nothing marked down on Boxing Day.
Now hear me out. Do I love sales? Um, yes, obviously, because I would rather bury myself in a snowbank than buy anything full price, ever. And will I go shopping on Boxing Day? Yes, because I'm not a monster and if I don't at least CHECK to see if a thing I want has been marked down, then I will never sleep soundly again. (That's a lie: I'd probably just distract myself with a movie and forget about what I was talking about by the time it was over.) BUT STILL.
Nonetheless, this mindset hasn't exactly lended itself to a voice of reason. As you can see from the above confessional, I once bought a couch I had to blow up with my mouth, thinking I'd finally hit the pinnacle of cool mixed with rad. Even this year, if I find some novelty sweatshirt, I will probably buy it. Tonight, even, I'm going to the OVO store because I want a hat. (And also to buy one for my Dad.) So because I am better at telling other people what to do than taking my own advice, allow me to say, DON'T BUY IT to each and every (figurative) item and argument you put in my path.
Print this out and take it with you so that upon approaching a location that sells anything, you are prepared. Let's do this.
Oh! A top!
Do you need a new top?
Well, no…but it's on sale.
Did you care about the top before?
No, but…
DON'T BUY IT.
Okay, but this vase. Look at this. fucking. vase. It's so–
Unnecessary. Why do you want that? IT'S A VASE. Who are you? What is this? Don't buy it.
Fine, but I am 100% buying this One Direction CD.
Okay, fine.
And this–
No. Move on.
Fine. Shoes?
What kind?
These… shoes… look. They're on sale, okay?
DON'T BUY THEM.
Boots?
Do you need boots?
…
I SAID: DO YOU NEED BOOTS?
No, okay?! I don't. I don't need them. Jesus–
DON'T BUY THEM.
Stop yelling at me. How about this blanket at Chapters you can get for $25 when it's a regular $80?
Who buys blankets? WHO?
I just–it's really soft.
I can't with this. Books, yes. Blanket, no.
Books aren't soft.
Who even are you?
Okay, fine. CANDLES. Oh my LORD, so many discounted candles.
Don't buy them.
But–
No. Next.
This isn't fun anymore. Oh fine. Here's something: a Drake hat. CAN I BUY A DRAKE HAT, ANNE?
Duh. I just admitted my intentions to buy two. You can also buy anything sanctioned by our lord and saviour, Beyonce.
I actually don't really like Beyonce.
You know what, then? Spend whatever you want. Go. Buy your candles. I'm done.
Just kidding. Beyonce or GTFO. How about this inflatable couch?
Now THAT is where your Boxing Day dollars should be going.
Did we just become best friends?
I don't really know you, but yes.
