As some of you may not know, I was once a teenage girl. I know. It’s quite a shock. And as a former teen girl, I have experienced some real ass fantasies about celebrities kissing me. Jonathan Taylor Thomas kissed me probably one thousand million times in my dreams and it was never bad, it was always a true teen dream.
One thing I can say now that I am a grown up woman-lady is that I know celebrities are way more needy than they let on. You have to be, right?? They’re in an industry that zeroes in on vanity, fan bases and self-confidence. I’m not saying everyone is Kanye West or Drake (Last name Ever, first name Greatest), but I will say that you have to have a little bit of an ego to be famous.
As you can imagine, this has ruined a great deal of my fantasies. It typically is ruined at the point of my fantasy where they are about to kiss me and they blurt out something that paralyzes my face from my disappointment. Please join me on the journey that is my ruined fantasies:
Leo grabs your face in his hands and says so that only you can hear, If this doesn’t get me an Oscar, what will? The kiss that follows is too intense and so meaningless. You were supposed to be his Rose.
You’re dancing with Drake (normal dancing, not that Hotline Bling shit). He pulls you in close and whispers in your ear over the loud music, I’m the Six God, and then shoves his former-teen-Degrassi-star tongue in your mouth.
Idris Elba (I’m sorry for ruining this for you)
He’s just poured you a scotch is his stunning flat in Hackney. He shifts closer to you on his cozy sectional, and puts his free arm around you. I could have played James Bond. But someone didn’t think I could. Isn’t that laughable? You agree, but he continues. I mean, I’m Idris Elba. Look at me. You think it will stop there. He clears his throat. He’s starting to tear up. Oh God Oh God Oh God. It’s not fair. He chokes on his scotch. Can you kiss me? I’m sad. You reluctantly kiss his moist face. This was supposed to happen so differently.
He SKATEBOARDS up the ramp to you. Selena did you see that?
My name’s not Selena, you reply.
Whatever, He says. He kisses you; eyes wide open, and suddenly you realize you’re kissing a 21-year-old boy.
Taylor Swift (Just to switch it up)
Taylor Swift looks around at your shitty apartment like it’s five-star resort. You’re my best friend. She goes to kiss you and you literally wake up sweating from the nightmare that is this extremely accidental fantasy.
Guys. TBH, Oscar Isaac could say anything before he kissed me and it would still be good.
¦ Wait no. I just thought of one.
Oscar Isaac (dressed as Poe Dameron) welcomes you aboard his aircraft. There is a bed in the back (let me have this, nerds). You cozy up but then out of nowhere he’s like, I’m a witto baby, starts slobbering on himself and just rubs his face against yours.
I’m sorry for this, everyone.