HELLO, LOVEBIRDS! It is I, your shag guru: Amanda Brooke Perrin. (You couldn’t hear it, but a group of strangers just broke out in hysterics at how not true that last sentence was.)
I may not be the queen of the D, but I at least know how to set the mood, in case Oscar Isaac comes to his senses and decides to finally ravish my body. And to the same effect, I know what can ruin the mood instantly. One of those items, aside from bad breath, crying and tender bowels, is incorrect music.
So if you really want to impress your signif other or your fun hook up, avoid the following songs at all costs:
- Peanut Butter Jelly Time “ Buckwheat Boyz
This song is great if you are super into drugs and are maybe hard of hearing. Definitely would not recommend if you’re looking for a gentle, intimate night.
- You’re Beautiful “ James Blunt
I don’t think it’s possible to not picture James Blunt’s tiny awkward body undressing in the cold upon hearing this song. Maybe you’re into it¦ but the chances of both of you being into it are kind of slim.
- Any song by Eminem about his mom
¦ Do I have to explain this one?
- The Macarena “ Los Del Rio
It is physically impossible to not break out into synchronized dance when this song plays. Also, it’ll be stuck in your head for approximately 1000 years after you hear it.
- Crazy Bitch “ Buckcherry
Truly just the worst song to ever exist, and I have heard of the band 311.
- Amazing Grace
Show some respect.
- Gangnam Style “ Psy
I’m not quite sure what Gangnam style is and I’m not sure I want to find out. You’re better off listening to the sound of your own shallow breathing than to a guy mime-riding a pony. K-pop is rad, okay? But I feel like listening to Psy while doing it will just lead to you humping to the beat of the song. And that’s¦ intense. And also very, very annoying/horrible.
- That song from The Lion King that plays when Simba is presented to the rest of the animal kingdom.
Again. Show some respect.
- Friday “ Rebecca Black
No. Never. Hard pass.
It’s fun to stay there, but it’s not fun to have sex there. This will definitely lead to a lot of Y-shaped injuries. Please save you and your partner a trip to the hospital.