I used to frequent a local coffee shop all the time. Not because the coffee was anything special, but because the barista was a stone cold, drop dead, eat-my-own-fist, fire-starting BABE. He had dark brown hair, neatly coiffed – aside from one piece that draped over his bright blue eyes whilst he steamed milk. He had a red bandana that peaked out of the back pocket of his jeans; did he use it to clean up spills? Was it just for show? (Was this guy the real Ponyboy?)
I remember the first time this beautiful creature placed a steaming hot beverage down in front of me. There, right dab in the middle of my caramel-coloured cappuccino: a white, milk-foam heart.
WHAT DID IT MEAN? Did he just propose to me?! Was I ready for this? I didn’t even know his name or if he thought the dress was white and gold or blue and black!
As I tried to figure out who would be our flower girl since all of the people in my life are over the age of ten, I immediately caught sight of the young business professional’s drink behind me. In it, the same foam heart swirling in his cup. My heart combusted right then and there in that coffee shop deco’d with antlers and chevron.
So this quiz is for all you broken hearts out there. Maybe I can save one or two of you from possible heartbreak. Or maybe, JUST maybe, I can give you that extra push to move in on your barista.
1. What kind of eye contact does your barista make with you?
- Intense, focused, dreamy, googly eyed type of contact.
- I think they looked up from the till last time, but that could’ve just been to look at the clock behind me.
- My barista has two eye patches.
2. Does your barista know your name?
- Yes. And they write it on my cup in a huge heart and wink at me when they set it down on the bar every time I’m there.
- They could maybe guess it? Is that an option?
- It’s kind of hard to understand them with all those gold teeth.
3. Has your barista ever asked you to hang out outside of the coffee shop?
- Hang out? My barista asked me to meet their parents!
- They asked me to get out once, but I think that’s because I was blocking the doorway.
- They mostly just talk about gold coins and ships.
4. Does your barista know anything about your life?
- Every detail that a person could know within a 7 minute conversation, once a day, five days a week.
- I’m PRETTY sure they know I exist. Like, 65% positive.
- They mostly just keep asking if I have a bank account on the Cayman Islands.
5. Do you think your barista could be in love with you?
- I think my barista has been stealing from me.
So, is your barista in love with you?
If you answered mostly A’s: Congratulations! Your barista is in love with you! And maybe a little bit obsessed with you¦ Be careful.
If you answered mostly B’s: Your barista is an asshole. You deserve better than him/her. Stop going to that coffee place immediately.
If you answered mostly C’s: Your barista is a pirate. I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you.