Wouldn’t it be great if guys came with flashing warning lights like you see on a city street (green: all systems go; yellow: proceed with caution; red: STOP. DO NOT GO THERE. EVER). But since every guy seems like Prince Charming at the outset, sometimes we need a little help from girls who have been there, done that to know what to watch out for.
The following bad ex-boyfriend tales are based on the true-life dating adventures of sisters, friends, colleagues and random women we overheard on the bus.
So, unless you really need material for your next therapy appointment, pay attention and you just might save yourself some heartache:
It’s 5 o’clock somewhere for this overindulging Ex, and it’s not a party ˜til somebody pukes. He’s never embarrassed about his behaviour the night before – because he can’t remember it. He considers a weekend morning without a hangover a wasted opportunity to get wasted and calls in to work sick for days because the drugs he had done a few nights prior are still bringing him down. He’s here for a good time, and if you’re smart: not a long time.
Familiar phrases may include ‘You know what you should do’ and ‘If I were you’¦ He’s an incredible budgeter, hits the gym every day without fail, never forgets to wear sunscreen or misplaces his keys, and identified his career path in the womb. This tiresome type is all about you-improvement, but the last thing you need is a paragon of perfection nagging you to ‘be all that you can be’ 24 hours a day. Besides, you’re already totally into marathons: Teen Mom, Hoarders, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant…
Slippery Sam/Non-committal Neil
He can’t make plans any further than 24 hrs in advance, he ˜gets called back to the office’ on a whim, hates email and has no time for voicemail, plays team sports every other night of the week and thinks texting is a pain. This guy has his priorities in stone, and clearly you’re not one of them. Instead of making yourself more available to suit his sched, pull a disappearing act all together.
His idea of a great night out is filling up on the unlimited bread and salad then asking for the main course to go. He will leave in the middle of any movie to refill the bottomless Pepsi and popcorn, and bring home the stale kernels for lunch tomorrow. He keeps a pen handy to make sure dinner is always divided 50/50, and will be the first to point out that you did eat most of the calamari¦ This kind of petty behaviour will eventually leak into other areas of the relationship, so show him what you’ve learned and just split.
At first his humbleness was sweet and endearing – soon, however, the sweet smell of his cologne turns to the reek of desperation: He needs constant reassurance that you aren’t seeing anyone else, he hates his job but would rather complain than take action, he hates his body but hates ‘gym people’ even more, and thinks your friends don’t like him but he doesn’t make any effort to win them over. So put him out of his misery and just start seeing other people, beginning at the gym. He won’t be surprised.
Have you run into any of the types above? Share your terrifying tale!