After two weeks of lugging plastic bags filled with designer bags, shoes, clothes, makeup, laptops, agendas, underwear and dog food back and forth from our bedbug-infested apartment to our temporary home while it underwent severe fumigation, it would appear that my sex life also got exterminated in the process.
How, let me ask you, does one sleep in the very bed that housed a couple dozen red Cimex lectularius and ever feel sexy again? That is the question.
Truthfully, the title of this post is a bit of a white lie, or at the very least, a zealous attempt at the law of attraction. If I say that my sex life improved after having bedbugs, then it will most certainly be the case. I just need to keep thinking positive (and throw out all my underwear). For some reason, the first thing I did after that fateful morning when I woke up to a bedbug lunging for my jugular, was toss out all my underwear. It was as though I knew almost immediately that if I was going to ever overcome this, I would need new panties.
I mean, we haven’t even been to first base since; heck we haven’t even gone to the ballgame! Sex hasn’t been a topic of conversation. All we talk about now is Ziplock bags and mattress covers. Actually, when you put it that way, it kinda sounds tenuously kinky?
Considering that during the course of my bedbug research”which I must’ve Googled about one thousand times because my cookies keep serving me bedbug-related videos and ads on the sidebar of every site I visit”I found out that some people go into a depression after dealing with bedbugs. Some people, they say, are never the same. This could be the end of my sex life, according to Google.
As I write this, tonight is the first night we get to sleep back in our bed. We’ve been asked by our friendly exterminator to act as bait in the hopes that we killed ˜em all after the first round of spraying. If we get bit tonight, then we obviously need more targeted treatment when he comes back in a few days time. After which, we hope to be bedbug-free forever. After which, we hope to have sex again.
I think the new underwear will help. I guess it’s just left to see who will make the first move. Me, my boyfriend or the bedbugs. Stay tuned.
Writer’s note: In an effort to maintain my privacy (even though I’ve been Snapping about the bedbug situation since day 1), I’ve decided to write this post like the best of ghostwriters out there and leave it anonymous. If you think you know who I am and you want to guess, be warned there will be no prize awarded to who guesses right. And yes, I’m finally having sex again.