Chris Brown and Justin Bieber, “Next to you”
The important takeaway from this video is that even when the world is literally crumbling around you, you will be glued to your cell phone, trying to get a signal. Also, a real man will take time to dance amid the rubble, even if the man in question is really a teenage bobblehead. Okay I’m just jealous because his thighs are half the size of mine.
Katy Perry, “Last Friday Night”
Someone bet me a pie that I couldn’t watch this entire video, and they were right. This makes me sad because I really, really like pie. My uninformed opinion is this: Katy Perry married a not-funny comedian. Then, she made this not-funny video for a not-good song. Coincidence? You be the judge.
Taylor Swift, “The Story of US”
How to tell a poignant coming-of-age love story with a little bit of sass? Throw on a school uniform, hit an imaginary library, sport some fake glasses and grind against a wall like the awkward white girl you are (love you, Tay).
Lady Gaga, “The Edge of Glory”
Scientists have developed an algorithm for creating a Lady Gaga music video. You need an advanced degree in mathematics to understand it, but it says something about asking a group of kindergardeners to describe their nightmares and multiplying that by six pounds of makeup and at least four costumes recycled from the set of In Living Color.
Rihanna, “Man Down”
Rihanna killed a man. But damn did she look good doing it.