This week, the Kardashians roped us into a dramatic new narrative that none of us can or will look away from, despite desperately wanting to (heaven help us). Here’s how it went: allegedly, Khloe Kardashian’s partner and father of their child, Tristan Thompson, cheated on Khloe with Kylie Jenner’s friend, Jordyn Woods. Jordyn and Tristan were spotted making out at a party at his house on February 17, and now the status of he and Khloe are up in the air (while Jordyn has reportedly moved out of Kylie’s house).
And I know what you’re probably thinking: Anne, who cares? Well, the internet. The internet cares. And if the internet cares, you will have to care just enough to tread digital water while the tidal waves of celebrity gossip crash around you. So in order to do that, I’ve made a guide. For those who care and for those who do not, here’s how to act like you understand what’s happening in an enthusiastic way while ignoring the issue completely, you’re welcome.
Bring it up first
By bringing up the scandal first, you will seem like a knowledgeable source who knows absolutely everything about everyone. And of course, this is a lie. So after leading with a strong, “Did you hear . . . ?” watch as the second party of your conversation rushes to fill in the blanks. Of course they heard (will be their response), while hurrying to giving you a complete summary of events you will later draw from. And then, after reading the “Can you even believe it” expression you’ve plastered on your face, they will add more.
To which you will nod knowingly. “That’s bananas,” you will say, sorrowfully. “Absolutely bananas.” And onto phase two.
Relay all second-hand information as though it is your own
Which means that you’ve got to listen while people tell you about this thing that you likely don’t care about because it won’t matter in like, two months. But alas. You retain as much information as you can, and then, in moments of being stuck in a cycle of small talk at a work event with someone you’ve never spoken to outside of Slack, you drop the bomb: I heard that Jordyn moved out of Kylie’s house.
Of course, the person you’re speaking to may have no idea what you’re talking about. They might think you know a Jordyn, or that you’re referring to Kylie from HR. Do not correct them as you go into more detail. It’s up to them to do their research.
Greet every piece of information with a shocked, “Wow!”
Not only will you seem invested, you will make whoever is speaking feel like a million bucks. I personally love when anything I say is greeted with “Wow!” Even if I’m talking about gas prices or the polar vortex.
In fact, please comment “Wow!” in the comments below.
Remind yourself that this too shall pass
Remember the last Kardashian scandal? Remember the previous thing? With the Jenners? Me neither. I remember none of us, despite knowing the details of conversations I wasn’t present for and read about. So in moments of being trapped in the world of people none of us would likely be friends with in real life, remind yourself that none of this is taking up bandwidth. This knowledge will disperse. Eventually, in the same way you no longer remember the trials and tribulations of the coolest couple in junior high, you will forget about Khloe, Tristan, Jordyn, and all that transpired between them.
Plus, none of us are above this. Are you kidding me? The world is on fire, and most of us need a reprieve. Use this as your metaphorical water wings. Float on your back a little bit. Accept that it’s a break from everything bad. Then, when you are recharged, you emerge. And with the dawn a new Kardashian scandal will unfold. Good luck.