You know, I didn’t care. I didn’t care when Kermit and Miss Piggy split up less than a month ago (you know: after four actual decades as boyfriend/girlfriend and/or man/wife and/or whatever it is these guys were about), and I didn’t care when People announced via a “source” that Kermit has a new girlfriend who is “always stopping by the set of Late Night.”
Why? Because they are puppets and we’re adults and we know that these plot points are written by humans, and these are not actual beings but — again — puppets, whose existence relies solely on the human with his or her hand up said puppets’ butt. (Because that is how puppets work.)
But then I got a glimpse of Denise aka Kermit’s new squeeze and, like, what the fuck.
As Jezebel pointed out, most of us haven’t met any actual pigs before, but this one is the worst. Why does she look like a younger version of Miss Piggy? And why is she stopping by the Late Night set at all, considering the new Muppets show is about Late Night With Miss Piggy? Who are you, Denise? Are you a cousin? Some estranged sister?
No, she’s an ABC marketing executive who is causing all sorts of shit (obviously) in the wide world of pop culture — and will of course act as a plot point on The Muppets when it kicks off on September 22.
And look. It’s not Denise’s fault. (Again, because she’s a puppet who is a character in a TV show that stars puppets.) But as The Guardian points out, it’s a huge bummer that Kermit’s new GF is so . . . well, bland. I mean, Miss Piggy is a boss. She’s a diva, sure, but reports are saying that like it’s a bad thing — like the woman didn’t land the only female-led late night show in the country. Denise, on the other hand is, well . . . not Miss Piggy. But yet also TOO MUCH like Miss Piggy. You know, in that Kermit’s statement upon his break-up last month reads like that of someone who blames women for his problems because he can.
“It can be tough to work with your ex,” he said. “It can be tough to be the executive producer on your ex’s late-night TV show, especially when your ex is a pig. I don’t know whether any of you have dated pigs.”
Honestly it seems like Miss Piggy actually may have dated one.
But more importantly: really? Is this the way we’re going to freshen up a franchise that’s already iconic and popular? Bring another woman into the mix? Pit Denise — who I’m sure is great, but like . . . calm the eff down — against Miss Piggy, as if Kermit is some kind of prize? Dude can hardly articulate his feelings. He balks at confrontation. You know that Toni Braxton song? Of course you do, because it describes Kermit perfectly: he wasn’t (and isn’t) man enough for Miss Piggy. Instead, he offers way too much insight into his break-up via People-fucking-magazine, and makes those of us who admire Ben Affleck’s weird quietness feel uncomfortable and weirded out.
All we can hope is that Denise and Miss Piggy pull some serious Other Woman shit on this poor soul — or we find out they’re all masters of public relations and that everything has always been fine, but they know how to work an audience.
That is, if we haven’t reminded ourselves that oh my god they are puppets what are we doing is this where we thought our lives would go.
[photo via ABC]