An Open Letter to Leonardo DiCaprio

According to The Irish Times, Leonardo DiCaprio is at it again: he’s trying to romance a woman who isn’t me.

Evidently, Leo is “taken” with 30-year-old TV presenter Laura Whitmore (who’s dating Rory Williams, BTW) and the two partied at the BAFTAS in a hotel room with Lily Donaldson (as well as other people). Ugh.

“Leonardo was completely taken by Laura,” said a source. “She was playing it cool but he made a beeline for her. [They were] getting on like a house on fire. Leo made it clear he wanted her to come back upstairs to his suite at the hotel to continue the party afterwards.”

And while Whitmore has said it was just “fun” and “there was a lot of dancing,” I’m going to say: fair enough, Laura, but could you leave the room for a second because I have to have a few words with my boyfriend, thank you.

Leo: what the f–k, man?

Come on. What are you doing. You are middle aged. You are a middle aged man. You are partying like it’s 1997 and it’s 2016 and we’re all a little concerned. You know that friend everybody has who partied super-hard in their teens and 20s and we all laughed and joked and then, when the rest of us were working super hard and dialing it down, you showed up and insisted we “GO HARD, MAN.”

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever said that. And I’m not shaming you based on age. But I am shaming you for being oddly stuck in your early 20s, as if anybody wants to be; as if partying isn’t actually super boring by the time you hit like, 25.

Because, look: it is. And you know that because Laura Whitmore is the oldest woman you have ever talked to, since the rest of your lady-friends are all quite young. And do you know why they’re quite young? Because they’re partying like their age dictates. In the case of Laura Whitmore, she was at the BAFTAs, living her best life, and I don’t know her so go forth, dear Laura, into that gentle night. But the rest? Son, you are a grown-ass man. And if a 41-year-old came up to me at the bar when I was 20-25 I would say, “Ugh, this old guy is trying to hit on me, let’s go.” I  would feel weird. I would feel sad. And then I would see that you’re wearing cargo shorts and then I would feel sadder.

And I know that deep down, you’re probably a great person. I know that you probably really don’t get why I hate cargo shorts so much, and that’s okay. But you know and I know that your party life is beyond. You know and I know  that in any other industry and in any other context, you’d be That Guy: the boss or co-worker who thinks I’m boring because it’s Tuesday, and I’d like to be in bed by midnight. You might even use the phrase, “hang loose.” You’d for sure wear flip-flops on casual Friday. You’d always have a hangover, and everyone would be concerned.

So look, I don’t know what I want to come from this. You saying, “It’s true: I am out of  my goddamn mind?” (Yes.) Or you saying, “Anne, I’ll change for you?” (Please.) But look. If every other famous 40-something-year-old man can at least pretend they’re not partying like Frosh I just came out on cassette and DVD, so can you. Mainly because you’re an actor, and while I know you can’t pretend not to vape, you can pretend that you’re not that poor older man who’s breaking my heart.

Laura Whitmore? You can come back inside now.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue, BLACK.I

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