For the record, I am petty. I like gossip, and I revel in the majesty of learning information. I am not “above” celebrity news or trying to figure out who’s dating whom and whether they’re happy. And I am certain that if Chris Pratt and I were to meet in real life we would have nothing to talk about and likely consider even saying hello a mistake.
But I think I’m still over conversations about celebrity relationships.
Hear me out: this week, Joe Alwyn told The Look that he is fine with keeping his relationship with Taylor Swift under the radar, explaining “I don’t think anyone you meet on the streets would just spill their guts out to you, therefore why should I? And then that’s defined as being ‘strangely private.’ But I don’t think it is. I think it’s normal.”
And I think I am bored. Not with the paragraph (he’s certainly not wrong), but with hearing about it. I want to hear famous people talk about their relationships as much as I want to hear people I actually know talk about their relationships: not a whole lot. Because after dissecting the “does this person like me?” dance and relaying details of run-ins and hangouts and trying to decipher texts and or the way someone said, “Let’s do this again soon!” (see: the fun part) it’s not really any of my or anybody else’s business. Tell me the cute and nice things (because I like cute and nice things!), know that I’m here if you have a Real Story or need advice or to help work through an argument, but the day-to-day is, well, your business. And it’d be weird if I wanted photos of you and your partner walking around or details that I shouldn’t be privy to as a third party.
Of course, it’s this obsession with everyone else’s business that saw Margot Robbie recently asked (again) when she was going to start having babies. Which was annoying for everybody, but especially her: the woman is busy. She’s working on one million films. And it’s nobody’s business when someone is going to have children. That shit is personal. It’s the business of the person in question, their partner, and any friends/family they specifically choose to discuss it with. And also, who cares? Why should I care about when Margot Robbie is going to have babies? Why would I want any journalist to ask? I’m tired. And none of this affects me. I may love gossip and knowledge and information, but none of the aforementioned is. It’d be creepy if I began tracking friends and coworkers, monitoring whether they were pregnant or maybe just wearing a baggy-ish shirt. It’d be bizarre if after I learned of a pal’s work project, I asked when she was going to have a baby. I’d be the worst and most boring person alive.
Because while I will never dismiss the joy of interesting celebrity news (and I will never act like I’m above gossip because, look: I am not), I’m ready to give the “tell us about your relationship” interviews a rest. What can they say? What are we looking for? I would rather hear about the Joe Alwyn’s wigs in The Favouriteand most importantly, his pantaloons.