The American Election Plot Thickens

Well, because everything happens in threes, we have the last piece of news to throw atop this week’s shit-cake: Donald Trump is officially the GOP nominee.

And like, no one is shocked. No person thought a rational, non-terrifying person would rise from the ashes to oust Trump from his reign of terror. But alas, here we now are.

Accepting at the RNC last night, the former reality star/Kraft Singles slice come to life had the following to say:

“We’re going to win. Together, most importantly, we are going to make America great again. And we will win in November.”


So sometimes it helps me to think of the current political landscape as a movie. And because Canada’s still figuring out which movie it is (Trudeau’s still relatively new), I look to the US of A. And now, between plagiarized speeches and freakish levels of racism, I am going to compare this election to Titanic. Currently, the band is playing — but the ship is still afloat. We have time before it breaks in half and everybody spills into the sea.

But in the meantime, as the RNC proceeds, we’re all kind of stuck in the “lay down, cry, cry a lot,” state of mind. So here are some coping mechanisms for you if you, like me, feel like the old couple in Titanic who choose to just lay down and die. Here goes:

– Watch Titanic (let those tears fall)

– Watch the RNC and use it exclusively as an exercise in joke-writing (laugh through the pain)

– Refuse to watch the RNC because not all of us like the horror genre

– Donate to any organization the GOP stands against

– Photoshop images of various animals sitting atop Donald Trump’s head

– Walk outside, stand on the sidewalk, and scream into the night (your neighbours will understand)

– Cast spells (your spells, your call)

– Summon the ghost of Christmas past (or any spirit you trust) to scare some sense into Trump

– Sneak into the RNC and switch out every speech with lyrics to BSB songs

– Tweet any GOP member an obscene number of pictures of llamas looking disappointed

– Morph into a living version of Jamie Lee Curtis holding up her finger and saying, “NO” (you know the one)

– Lean into your anger (see: someone defends Trump, allow your head to rotate in a 360-circle before launching into how this isn’t funny, this is terrible, he is terrible, the person in question is terrible, how dare everybody)

– See a chiropractor for your now-traumatized neck

– Bill Donald Trump for all subsequent chiropractic visits

Bless us everyone. And good luck.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue

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