This weekend, Beyonce dropped “Lemonade” which I’m sure you already know if you are a person alive on this planet.
And now is not the time for my hot takes. Now is not the time for jokes about Jay Z reacting accordingly (because that time is on Twitter, and the time is always). No, now is the time to categorize the feelings you may have had while watching Beyonce give us a movie and album we are not worthy of.
Unless you’re Drake. I am assuming that if you’re reading this and you are Drake, you are truly ready to walk into the ocean because you’d set the date and if this was a wedding, this would be like a more powerful, cooler friend throwing their wedding a week before yours, but so far away that by the time your wedding rolls around nobody cares and is kind of tired. “Sorry man, this wedding’s great!” the guests would say politely. “I’m just so tired because we were treated to fancy trip across Europe that ended with four days in Paris! Anyway, the salmon is great. Lovely ceremony you’ve put on.”
So, sorry, Drake. (We’re still excited about “Views” but . . . well, it’s not “Lemonade,” is it?)
Anyway! If you are not Drake, you were likely rendered speechless for a completely different reason. So here are probably the feelings you felt and the thoughts you had:
– “Holy shit”
– “Oh, holy shit WHAT”
– “Oh my God”
– “Jesus”
– “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu–”
– *sobbing*
– *sobbing harder*
– *laughing at tweets*
– “Oh shit, what?”
– “What did Jay DO”
– “Honestly Jay, WTF”
– “Oh Jay Z, you are fucked, dude”
– “Rachel RAY? The cooking lady?”
– “Oh! Nope! Nevermind”
– “Does Rachel Ray still have a TV show?”
– “No, it’s Becky”
– “I hope she means Aunt Becky from Full House”
– *laughing at own joke*
– *sobbing again*
– *sobbing more*
– *sobbing more, and louder*
– *transcends our current dimension and reality*
– “I believe in our lord and saviour, Beyonce Knowles”
– “I feel so close to everybody on the Internet right now”
– “Even Becky”
– “JK I do not feel close to Becky OR Rachel Ray, I don’t think”
– “No, but does Rachel Ray still have a TV show?”
– “Shit though, I love this”
– *crying hard* “I love this so much”
– *crying hardest* “I love this more than I love real people in my life”
– “I think I hate anyone who doesn’t want to talk about this”
– “I for sure hate anyone who doesn’t buy the album”
– “Do I hate Jay Z?”
– “I mean, that is their relationship and I am not wading into it, but I’m very disappointed if he did in fact do what he’s being implied of doing”
– “Like, COME ON, man”
– “But look, this is Beyonce’s life and I am just along for the journey”
– “Would Beyonce want to be my friend?”
– “Am I even worthy of her friendship?”
– “No, probably not, and that’s okay”
– “Wait what the hell do you mean it’s over?”
– “No”
– “NO”
– *sobs again*
FIN
