Well, the time has come. Tonight marks the end of Riverdale‘s first season, and with it I have questions. (Also, statements.) (But more importantly, questions. Like: will somebody who is kind please burn Archie’s guitar? Preferably in front of him so a type of non-Blossom Riverdale super-villain is born?) And because I know you do too, these are the loose ends I’ll need tied up on the ASAP. (This is also a really good time for us to say *spoilers ahead*.)
Remember that if you agree with me, you are correct. And if you do not, then never speak to me or my CoverGirl-sponsored close-up ever again. Thank you.
- Who did Cliff Blossom leave his wigs to?
- Do you think maybe Jason made too many comments about Cliff’s turtlenecks and that’s why he was murdered?
- Where is San Junipero? Or was Joaquin a Black Mirror character this whole time?
- Is Riverdale a spin-off of Black Mirror?
- Because that would explain why no one seems to visit and no one seems to leave.
- Is there any amount of money that could make me care about Hiram Lodge?
- Do you think Veronica will somehow make Cliff’s death and Cheryl’s familial implosion about why her dad paid someone to do those things?
- Do you think Archie will somehow make everything that happened last week about his music?
- Will Archie’s first album be called “Riverdale”?
- What rating do you think it will get on Pitchfork? (I think 2.4)
- Is Jughead going to be alright?
- Is Jughead alright in general?
- I mean, I know he’s weird — that he’s a weirdo — but he’s about one plot twist away from some serious Ryan Atwood rebellion in a “starts fire at abandoned house” way.
- Oh shit, the preview for this week sees the Blossom house edging towards inferno.
- Will Jughead set fire to the Blossom’s house once and for all?
- How fast do you think Cliff’s wigs will burn?
- Can and will Betty and Jughead stay together?
- Will Veronica and Archie hook up/hook up?
- Do you care? Because I don’t. Like, I can think of about 295285 things I care about more than Veronica and Archie, TBH.
- Like I care more about where Ms. Grundy went and what she changed her name to.
- Because remember? She’s a straight-up sex offender.
- But sure. Okay! We can pretend this Veronica/Archie plot point is important.
- Ugh guys, is this show still good?
- I want it to be good, but is it still good?
- Oh lord, Archie’s music career.
- Who was responsible for this plot point?
- Honestly, was it someone who wished he’d been a rock star back in high school?
- Why would “I want to play music” matter in any TV show? Just play music. That’s how music works.
- We’re going to have to suffer through this again, aren’t we. Like, out of everything that might get tied up, Archie’s music career will not be the thing we say goodbye to.
- Why aren’t we getting more Josie and the Pussycats?
- Why are they letting Archie play with them?
- Why does no one in this town dress appropriately for the winter?
- Why am I so obsessed with this terrible show?
- Can you believe we’ve been watching it for months?
- I can. I can believe it.
- I can also believe I’m about to watch the trailer for this week’s episode 259258 more times.
- Ugh, I have the emotional depth of a Blossom wig.
