By Anne T. Donahue
This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday, which doesn’t mean very much until you realize that you can now watch The Pharmacist on Netflix far later than you normally would and then sleep in the next morning without consequence (which I cannot recommend enough).
But that’s not the only thing you can do. As someone who likes Valentine’s Day only because of the décor and candy, I consider myself an expert on making the holiday one you won’t be able to forget because I’ve decided to brand myself as such. Like Cartman himself, I do what I want. And so this suggestion list is for anybody who does the same.
Consume an alarming number of cinnamon hearts
Because I went to elementary school in the nineties, an actual contest that existed for many years was to see how many cinnamon hearts you could fit in your mouth without dying or getting sick or burning your tongue to the point of needing to call for medical assistance. And guess what: we all survived. Because cinnamon hearts are incredible. They are delicious. They’re addictive, and it makes me livid to think that as of February 15 they will be impossible to find. But like Halls or Fisherman’s Friend, you can’t eat too many in one sitting or you will perish or burst into flames. This creates the ultimate challenge: how many can you possibly eat at the same time? Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to find out. TGIF, etc.
Consume only foods you see eaten on The Bachelor
Have I ever watched The Bachelor? Yes: for one season in, like, 2013. Do I think I’m better than people who watch The Bachelor? Absolutely not, I just forget when it’s on and by the time I clue in, the season’s half-hour and I’m stuck reading tweets and pretending I get it. Thus, this challenge is not for me. But for you, I suggest the following: eat the only foods you see eaten by The Bachelor and pals every week. Lobster. Chocolate (I assume). Sparkling beverages. Steak, maybe? Sure. Strawberries, most likely. These people are all co-existing in a mansion, wearing gowns to breakfast, which means eating like them is the closest any of us will get to being Orson Welles in Citizen Kane. Surround yourself with roses and proceed.
Stand at your window wearing a black floor-length dress, holding one rose
This is more about how you can make it an unforgettable Valentine’s Day for everybody who lives near you, but why should we deprive them of an incredible holiday? Exactly. So for as much spare time as you may have, stand at your largest and most notable window and wear the longest, most Victorian-looking dress you can find. Hold one single rose, and watch for passerby who notice you, look away (which is when you will duck out of their line of vision), and then look back (to shock, because you will no longer be standing there). Soon, you will be part of many unforgettable Valentine’s Days. Because everyone who sees you will tell their friends that they’ve seen a ghost.
Send your friends Valentine’s Day cards
Oh, what’s this? Me switching gears from obscene to sentimental? Of course. So hear this: Valentine’s Day used to be the best. We all watched movies in class and sent each other tiny Valentine’s cards and ate way too many sweets and types of chip because sometimes life is beautiful. So while I know that sending mail is expensive (and that nobody will get their cards on Valentine’s Day because mail doesn’t get delivered the same day it’s sent), this is where it’s time to splurge: send your best pals a few cards. Mail is the best! Mail makes everyone’s day! Mail, provided it isn’t of the bill variety, makes you feel appreciated and liked and even loved! So hunker down on Valentine’s Day (or shortly after) and send some mail. A postcard. A little note. Why? Because everybody feels stressed out all the time, and being reminded that your friends give a shit is the most soothing balm, let me tell you. It’s not all about us! Make it about somebody else!
And then, because it actually is all about us, buy a bag of cinnamon hearts and eat them as you write. You know: as you wait for your Bachelorfoods, wearing your black dress.