Listen. I’m Kate Middleton all the way. She seems lovely, and she hula danced with William in Hawaii, and she’s never given us any reason to dislike her at all. (So those naysayers can just take a big step back, thank you very much.) But now that the royal baby is scheduled for arrival later this year, we’re seeing a lot of Kate Middleton. And frankly, that’s got to be the worst for her. So here are 10 reasons we need to back off.
1. She’s legitimately physically ill
No, no — not tragically! But she’s suffering from acute morning sickness, where you literally can’t keep anything down (not even water). So imagine your worst stomach flu ever. Yes, that. Now imagine you’ve been hospitalized for it, and when you emerge — after being injected with Gravol and IVs and whatever else will help make you feel human — you’re going to face thousands of camera flashes. That’s not even the price of being famous, that’s just cruel.
2. She’s pregnant, you guys!
AND HERE’S ANOTHER THING. We’ve been scrutinizing the poor woman’s body since about May 2011, thanks to all of us being far too nosey about someone else’s sex life. First, that’s just bizarre. Second, she couldn’t even bloat after a meal without someone filing it under bump watch. And we wonder why so many women have low self esteem.
3. We already did this, remember?
Listen. I don’t want to get dark, but there are a few British royals who come to mind when talking about invading one’s privacy. And I’m not going to make any comparisons, but I mean, give the women some space! Kate seems happy, William and she seem like they’re over the moon, but out of respect for private lives and family legacies, let’s tone it down a notch.
4. Beyoncé© and Jay-Z kept things private, and look at them!
Kate and Will don’t need our publicity “ they’re doing fine. And frankly, they’re not going to call their publicists up, manic with worry, if they don’t make the cover of a magazine for once. Look at Jay-Z and Beyoncé©: they basically got married in secret, had a baby with barely any attention, and they still reign as the king and queen of our hearts. Imagine how mysterious it would be if we just focused on something else? It’d be like when all the other royals were born, anytime before 1970! (Crazy.)
5. The body image thing
Yeah, I’m going to have to go back to this. As if focusing on Kate’s body wasn’t bad enough before she was pregnant, how invasive do you think it is now? I have friends who wouldn’t have photos taken of them when they were pregnant “ they were self-conscious of their size, or their skin, and whatever else, and we respected that because hey, we’re not the ones having a baby.
The same rules apply. Yes, Kate’s in the spotlight; yes, she knew what she was getting into, but what does it say about us that we’re so voyeuristic that we have to chart her potential expansion, or how her clothes fit now? We’re better than that, guys “ we know how pregnancy works. And furthermore, we know what it does to young women who watch us scrutinize a very small woman and assume that she’s pregnant because she’s wearing a non-fitted dress. The Royal Family are interesting, but if we’re so intent on focusing on them, how about their policies or philanthropic efforts? Or at the very least, not Kate’s abdomen.