From Sex to Serious

Gone are the days of the “Third Date Rule”.

With conflicting schedules, work commitments and so on, putting the time and effort into a relationship isn’t always a priority – or necessary. As a result, the “no-strings-attached hook-up” is becoming increasingly popular.

But, like our favourite T.V couple McDreamy and Meredith, sometimes casual sex can turn into something more. While it may not lead to Post-It nuptials, sometimes a relationship can unexpectedly develop out of your casual liaisons. 

So what happens when you find yourself accidentally in a relationship?

First thing’s first, ask yourself: do you really want a relationship? It must have started as something casual for a reason. Just because you’ve enjoyed some fun times doesn’t mean you’re obligated to make it anything more. If you find yourself progressively putting in time for dinner dates and coffee that are cluttering your calendar, have that “talk”. Remind him gently that it’s more of a casual thing. However…if you find yourself accidentally dating and like it, well, next you need to set some ground rules.

Nothing’s worse than assuming it’s moved on to the next level only to see him out with another casual buddy the next week. Make sure you directly tackle the subject to avoid embarrassment. Simply asking, “are we exclusive?” can help establish whether you are free to see other people. For your dignity – and sexual health – it’s better to know.

Then, like any relationship, you have to start to the beginning. Only in this case, it means going back to the beginning, a.k.a., put hook-ups on hiatus. Go out for coffee, to a movie or a show, have dinner and get to know each other. You clearly have the intimacy part down to a tee, so remove the complication of sex from the equation to see if there’s more to your connection than physicality.

The chemistry in a relationship will be different compared to the dynamic you had as inclusive partners. Being in a commitment means having to do things like take an interest in his bad day, meeting his friends…stuff being casual generally exempts you from. You may find that once the games are aside and challenges arise that you don’t have the patience, or that you’re not compatible as a couple.

Just like casual sex and/or dating, you need to be in a relationship for the right reasons. Turning your fun-friend into a steady because you hear the ol’ biological clock ticking or see other friends settling down leads to trouble. If you’re a Carrie, let your fling evolve into something more naturally. Or, if you’re a Samantha, enjoy it for a while before swiftly moving on! Do what feels right for your connection with him, not what you think you should be doing.

Times have changed – and there’s nothing wrong with having a casual partner as opposed to a long-term love. Don’t feel pressured to make it something serious. But if you find yourself falling for your fun-buddy, as is the case with everything, communication is key.

Preferably not with Post-It notes. 

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From_Sex_to_Serious_150x150.jpg

Tags: boyfriend, commitment, date, exclusive, fling, hook-up, sex

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Comments

  1. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    “you’d be stupid” – is a figure of speech. It doesn’t directly call the person stupid. The word “would” does not say “IS” – it means “in the event that you never considered that” – you would be silly. And, since I cannot think of one single person who would NOT at some point consider where the relationship would be going if casual sex came into the picture – your summation that it’s an attack is unfounded…the quote actually prefaces the fact that no single person can be in fact classified as stupid, because indeed I can’t think of any one person who wouldn’t even fleetingly think at some point, whether at the beginning, during or after: “What if…hmm…”. I consider all human beings rather intelligent on that particular point – humans think – it’s a given. You called the other commentator an age-biased, non-classy, woman-hater…and, they don’t seem to be taking offense. A healthy debate is a healthy debate…Furthermore, before you go on to say that: “Well, if you think that people are intelligent…why did you tell them that they haven’t thought for themselves” – that’s a different debate altogether. I was referring to the media which, unless challenged does have a mob effect. In fact, MTV has been quoted as saying: “We don’t just influence this generation…we OWN them.” Speaking of advertizers, of Cosmopolitan that gives young women advice on how to have the perfect one-night-stand, including “carry a map in your purse because you never know which part of the city you’ll end up in.” I want women to have access to a different voice that says: Take care of yourselves, your safety and your well-being emotionally, spiritually and physically. I’m challenging the “advice” given in popular culture magazines…and, I don’t mind if you challenge me back.
  2. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    “First of all, if you’re “hooking up” casually – you would be stupid not to consider where it may lead…”
    Direct quote, comment one.
  3. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    yeah, I think comment one was actually standing up for women in a way – they called women amazing and that there were tons of them who were really awesome. Also, I think it would be worth to note that while TIMES change…human nature hasn’t. I think there’s merit to bringing it back to basics. Family values and the conservative voice have become dirty concepts…can anyone answer why that is?
  4. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I read the first person who commented – they did not call women stupid. They called the article inane – not even the writer. So, I don’t think that you’re accurate on that. Secondly, saying that women haven’t been thinking for themselves for a long time is not attacking any one person on this message board – it’s simply a statement to ponder. When someone says “you” it can also mean “one” as in people in general, who unfortunately are swayed A LOT by the media and aren’t always able to fully think for themselves – there was no reference to WOMEN not thinking for themselves but rather “one” – that’s the perilous nature of the written word – you can take it as offensively or non-offensively as you like. Also, bringing up a reader’s age is simply to put their perspective into context – it has a whole lot to do with how certain people might view sex, love etc. Unfortunately, saying that “it isn’t all about love anymore” is very indicative of a specific generation where in 60’s it was all supposed to be about “love”. Attacking is very subjective – sometimes, debate can seem like attacking – just ask the fundamentalists…it’s simply a discussion. No-one seems to want to have it – they want to instead slide into the easy option of crying “bigotry” and “attack”. Stick to the issue and stay away from ad hominem arguments. And, at the very least, if you want to accuse someone of attacking – then quote them correctly….at the very least.
  5. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I think calling women “stupid” (comment 1), saying that women “haven’t been thinking for themselves for a long time” (comment 3) and bringing up another reader’s age (comment 4), which is totally irrelevant, qualifies as attacking. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, absolutely, but it doesn’t hurt to keep it classy.
  6. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    First of all – no-one is attacking anyone. This message board is a point of discussion. And, discussion involves differing points of view and clashing passions.
    If you’re not up for a healthy debate – rather don’t comment.
  7. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Generalizing the choices women make regarding their sex lives is no better than condeming the content of this article. Women don’t have to have sex inside a relationship, and this is hardly the result of MTV! The article merely recognizes that sometimes casual sex can evolve into something more, and offers hints and advice to help navigate that. Its not the 10 commandments! Take it with a pinch of salt and move on, because attacking other women and the choices they make only makes all of us look bad.
  8. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    oh, wait, don’t answer that…you were born in 1982…
  9. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    First of all…we are NOT in the 20th century…we are in the 21st century.
    And, it’s time to start really examining our individual choices like a 21st century member of today’s global society.
    And, most of these “experiences” you speak of are forced on you by the MTV and Hollywood culture. Believe it or not…you haven’t been thinking for yourself for a long time!…think about it.
    The advice in the article insults the average human being…how old are you anyway?
  10. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Um, it’s not like she’s telling you to go out and have casual sex with everyone. She’s simply offering some advice on what to do if it happens.
    I get what you’re saying, but it really isn’t all about love anymore…when you get to a certain point ya it is…but leading up to that point you’ll have “experiences”, you know, cause it’s the 20th century.
    Lighten up.
  11. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    This article is astoundingly inane. We live in a generation and a time in our society where we receive so many mixed messages about what it means to actually be a woman in a relationship with a man. Look around you – despite all of your “good advice” there are hoardes of amazing women – beautiful, fit, intelligent, funny, compassionate, passionate, caring, ambitious, successful (add any other adjective that a woman is supposed to be) – who are still single and that men won’t commit to and who are being left everyday by their men. One of the problems adding are the notions in this article. The messages you are sending are the very reason marriage, family and love is unraveling. You say on one hand “hook up”, then insult us by saying that we would “accidentally” find ourself in a relationship like a hapless idiot. Then, you go on to say, well, if you do, make sure it’s what you want…yet, you love to tell us what you “want” by saying: “If you find it’s cluttering up your calendar.” – what if I want my calendar cluttered with something meaningful and non-selfish where I get to actually share with another human being? It’s almost as if the status of love is fashion…but, not the reality and beauty of human co-existence, sharing and giving. First of all, if you’re “hooking up” casually – you would be stupid not to consider where it may lead…after all sex is a huge emotional and physical bonder, especially for a woman. You’d have to have really hardened your heart not be affected. The best advice would be, life is not all about sex. It’s about sex within the safety of love and respect. That’s what everyone is REALLY looking for. 
  12. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    “you’d be stupid” – is a figure of speech. It doesn’t directly call the person stupid. The word “would” does not say “IS” – it means “in the event that you never considered that” – you would be silly. And, since I cannot think of one single person who would NOT at some point consider where the relationship would be going if casual sex came into the picture – your summation that it’s an attack is unfounded…the quote actually prefaces the fact that no single person can be in fact classified as stupid, because indeed I can’t think of any one person who wouldn’t even fleetingly think at some point, whether at the beginning, during or after: “What if…hmm…”. I consider all human beings rather intelligent on that particular point – humans think – it’s a given. You called the other commentator an age-biased, non-classy, woman-hater…and, they don’t seem to be taking offense. A healthy debate is a healthy debate…Furthermore, before you go on to say that: “Well, if you think that people are intelligent…why did you tell them that they haven’t thought for themselves” – that’s a different debate altogether. I was referring to the media which, unless challenged does have a mob effect. In fact, MTV has been quoted as saying: “We don’t just influence this generation…we OWN them.” Speaking of advertizers, of Cosmopolitan that gives young women advice on how to have the perfect one-night-stand, including “carry a map in your purse because you never know which part of the city you’ll end up in.” I want women to have access to a different voice that says: Take care of yourselves, your safety and your well-being emotionally, spiritually and physically. I’m challenging the “advice” given in popular culture magazines…and, I don’t mind if you challenge me back.
  13. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    “First of all, if you’re “hooking up” casually – you would be stupid not to consider where it may lead…”
    Direct quote, comment one.
  14. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    yeah, I think comment one was actually standing up for women in a way – they called women amazing and that there were tons of them who were really awesome. Also, I think it would be worth to note that while TIMES change…human nature hasn’t. I think there’s merit to bringing it back to basics. Family values and the conservative voice have become dirty concepts…can anyone answer why that is?
  15. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I read the first person who commented – they did not call women stupid. They called the article inane – not even the writer. So, I don’t think that you’re accurate on that. Secondly, saying that women haven’t been thinking for themselves for a long time is not attacking any one person on this message board – it’s simply a statement to ponder. When someone says “you” it can also mean “one” as in people in general, who unfortunately are swayed A LOT by the media and aren’t always able to fully think for themselves – there was no reference to WOMEN not thinking for themselves but rather “one” – that’s the perilous nature of the written word – you can take it as offensively or non-offensively as you like. Also, bringing up a reader’s age is simply to put their perspective into context – it has a whole lot to do with how certain people might view sex, love etc. Unfortunately, saying that “it isn’t all about love anymore” is very indicative of a specific generation where in 60’s it was all supposed to be about “love”. Attacking is very subjective – sometimes, debate can seem like attacking – just ask the fundamentalists…it’s simply a discussion. No-one seems to want to have it – they want to instead slide into the easy option of crying “bigotry” and “attack”. Stick to the issue and stay away from ad hominem arguments. And, at the very least, if you want to accuse someone of attacking – then quote them correctly….at the very least.
  16. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I think calling women “stupid” (comment 1), saying that women “haven’t been thinking for themselves for a long time” (comment 3) and bringing up another reader’s age (comment 4), which is totally irrelevant, qualifies as attacking. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, absolutely, but it doesn’t hurt to keep it classy.
  17. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    First of all – no-one is attacking anyone. This message board is a point of discussion. And, discussion involves differing points of view and clashing passions.
    If you’re not up for a healthy debate – rather don’t comment.
  18. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Generalizing the choices women make regarding their sex lives is no better than condeming the content of this article. Women don’t have to have sex inside a relationship, and this is hardly the result of MTV! The article merely recognizes that sometimes casual sex can evolve into something more, and offers hints and advice to help navigate that. Its not the 10 commandments! Take it with a pinch of salt and move on, because attacking other women and the choices they make only makes all of us look bad.
  19. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    oh, wait, don’t answer that…you were born in 1982…
  20. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    First of all…we are NOT in the 20th century…we are in the 21st century.
    And, it’s time to start really examining our individual choices like a 21st century member of today’s global society.
    And, most of these “experiences” you speak of are forced on you by the MTV and Hollywood culture. Believe it or not…you haven’t been thinking for yourself for a long time!…think about it.
    The advice in the article insults the average human being…how old are you anyway?
  21. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Um, it’s not like she’s telling you to go out and have casual sex with everyone. She’s simply offering some advice on what to do if it happens.
    I get what you’re saying, but it really isn’t all about love anymore…when you get to a certain point ya it is…but leading up to that point you’ll have “experiences”, you know, cause it’s the 20th century.
    Lighten up.
  22. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    This article is astoundingly inane. We live in a generation and a time in our society where we receive so many mixed messages about what it means to actually be a woman in a relationship with a man. Look around you – despite all of your “good advice” there are hoardes of amazing women – beautiful, fit, intelligent, funny, compassionate, passionate, caring, ambitious, successful (add any other adjective that a woman is supposed to be) – who are still single and that men won’t commit to and who are being left everyday by their men. One of the problems adding are the notions in this article. The messages you are sending are the very reason marriage, family and love is unraveling. You say on one hand “hook up”, then insult us by saying that we would “accidentally” find ourself in a relationship like a hapless idiot. Then, you go on to say, well, if you do, make sure it’s what you want…yet, you love to tell us what you “want” by saying: “If you find it’s cluttering up your calendar.” – what if I want my calendar cluttered with something meaningful and non-selfish where I get to actually share with another human being? It’s almost as if the status of love is fashion…but, not the reality and beauty of human co-existence, sharing and giving. First of all, if you’re “hooking up” casually – you would be stupid not to consider where it may lead…after all sex is a huge emotional and physical bonder, especially for a woman. You’d have to have really hardened your heart not be affected. The best advice would be, life is not all about sex. It’s about sex within the safety of love and respect. That’s what everyone is REALLY looking for. 

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