Pillow Talk Advice

After you’ve learned about the house he grew up in, the first album he bought and his mother’s maiden name, how do you go about asking him how many women he’s been with? Modern love is not for the faint of heart and should be approached diplomatically. Follow these do’s and don’ts to discussing your romantic past with your current partner.

Do pick an appropriate time and space to have the conversation

Earlier on in the relationship is the best time to have a heart-to-heart about your past. Trust is built in these early stages, so if there are skeletons in your closet, reveal them up-front. Choose an appropriate setting as well, where you’re alone together and feel safe. Avoid calling him at work to ask questions about his ex-wife and steer clear of admitting your past sexual encounters during his mother’s Sunday brunch.

Do you both have a clean bill of sexual health?

This should definitely be discussed before you’re sexually active together. Embarrassment may be a factor in both admitting to and asking about STD’s, but is still no excuse. Simply, if you’re not ready to discuss sexually transmitted diseases, you’re not ready to have sex.

Do be honest about your exes

Avoiding the truth may seem easier at first but it’s inevitable that it will catch up to you. In ancient times ex-lovers could dodge into corner cafes and avoid bumping in to each other on the street, but today even if you’re successful in keeping your ex-husband and new boyfriend apart in the grocery store, they’ll eventually discover each other on Facebook. In an age where you can google your partner’s past, it’s smarter to be upfront from the beginning.

Don’t be judgmental
Understand that his past experiences made him into the man you know and love and that what people do does not necessarily make them who they are. Feel honoured that you’re bonding and feel stronger because of it. Remember, it took him just as much courage to tell you about his past as it did for you to ask about it. That being said, if his past does reveal a secret you simply can’t forgive, be thankful for discovering it now and move on accordingly.

TMI is overrated
You don’t have to tell him the exact magic number of people you’ve been with just like you don’t have to tell him your exact weight. The point of this exercise is to really learn about each other so only share relevant details that you feel continue to shape your relationship. Don’t brag about how much money your ex used to make or how many orgasms he used to give you “ this is in no way benefits your current life or relationship. It will only make your partner feel awkward.

Don’t dwell on the past
It is inevitable that people and relationships will continue to grow, creating a path for more undiscovered truths. Learning to understand, accept and forgive the past is an encouraging sign that you’ll be able to better accept the future. Mistakes are inevitable in life and recognizing them is strength, while forgiving them is a virtue. 

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Tags: boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, heart-to-heart, Love, new guy, romance, romantic past, safe sex, sexual health, talk

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Comments

  1. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I dont think the Article Lindsay wrote is vague, you have to use your own discretion. Good for you for having 4 lovers. that is a safe number. Tell them whenever you want and see their reaction. but dont be surprised if they come up with 40. You are safe, flaunt yourself you should be proud. On the other hand you might not be proud of him when he answers.
  2. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I find this article still a little vague. I am female, 47, divorced for 10 years and have had 4 lovers. Is it totally uncool to come right out and ask a partner, or potential partner how many partners they’ve had? I want my values to be appreciated by a partner…someone who appreciates that I am selective and really view making love as a special gift. Is that unrealistic for males? If a guy had “his fair share” of lovers in the past, doesn’t really concern me, as long as he has moved past that and not into playing the field now. I told the last man I dated how many (or few) lovers I’ve had. He didn’t tell me anything in return. I got the impression over time, from how he talked, that there were lots…that he hung out at pick-up bars and did lots of the one-night-stand things. He did tell me that he always had hopes of love when having sex with someone….but lots of other details that I can’t begin to share here, caused me to believe that he could not be trusted to be faithful. I broke up with him because I felt there was a good chance he would hurt me. After several months, we tried to become friends….and he had already dated 2 or 3 women, and he told me that he didn’t even like them very much. He most certainly slept with them. He is hooked on dating sites and always has his line out in the water….and is in a different “relationship” 2 or 3 times a year. I want to try to avoid dating this type of guy. I eventually sensed that he wasn’t what I was looking for, but I’d really like to know when and if, and even how….it’s ok to come right out and ask this question (how many have you slept with?) and related questions early on, before developing feelings and being hurt.
  3. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    What do I do if he asks if he is the best I ever had? Do I have to tell him the truth? Is honesty always the best policy?
  4. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I totally agree with Charles, mothers make a difference.
  5. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Just getting out of a relationship and googeling like crazy about what went wrong, I wish I had Lindsay Hope’s advice earlier. I really thought that when you come clean in a relationship it means not to lie , boy was I wrong and you are right. Well I have learned my lesson in life and that is no you dont have to tell everything. Just struggling. Thanks Linz – I am looking for other advices you may have cheers!
  6. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    As the eldest of two younger (female) siblings, this is the kind of stuff that inspires songs from the likes of John Mayer, you know the one that goes…” mother be good to your daughters”. The clarity of the message is quite clear, being “good” is to be honest, from mother to daughter to future, present or pending partner.
    Charles Cole
  7. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I dont think the Article Lindsay wrote is vague, you have to use your own discretion. Good for you for having 4 lovers. that is a safe number. Tell them whenever you want and see their reaction. but dont be surprised if they come up with 40. You are safe, flaunt yourself you should be proud. On the other hand you might not be proud of him when he answers.
  8. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I find this article still a little vague. I am female, 47, divorced for 10 years and have had 4 lovers. Is it totally uncool to come right out and ask a partner, or potential partner how many partners they’ve had? I want my values to be appreciated by a partner…someone who appreciates that I am selective and really view making love as a special gift. Is that unrealistic for males? If a guy had “his fair share” of lovers in the past, doesn’t really concern me, as long as he has moved past that and not into playing the field now. I told the last man I dated how many (or few) lovers I’ve had. He didn’t tell me anything in return. I got the impression over time, from how he talked, that there were lots…that he hung out at pick-up bars and did lots of the one-night-stand things. He did tell me that he always had hopes of love when having sex with someone….but lots of other details that I can’t begin to share here, caused me to believe that he could not be trusted to be faithful. I broke up with him because I felt there was a good chance he would hurt me. After several months, we tried to become friends….and he had already dated 2 or 3 women, and he told me that he didn’t even like them very much. He most certainly slept with them. He is hooked on dating sites and always has his line out in the water….and is in a different “relationship” 2 or 3 times a year. I want to try to avoid dating this type of guy. I eventually sensed that he wasn’t what I was looking for, but I’d really like to know when and if, and even how….it’s ok to come right out and ask this question (how many have you slept with?) and related questions early on, before developing feelings and being hurt.
  9. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    What do I do if he asks if he is the best I ever had? Do I have to tell him the truth? Is honesty always the best policy?
  10. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I totally agree with Charles, mothers make a difference.
  11. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Just getting out of a relationship and googeling like crazy about what went wrong, I wish I had Lindsay Hope’s advice earlier. I really thought that when you come clean in a relationship it means not to lie , boy was I wrong and you are right. Well I have learned my lesson in life and that is no you dont have to tell everything. Just struggling. Thanks Linz – I am looking for other advices you may have cheers!
  12. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    As the eldest of two younger (female) siblings, this is the kind of stuff that inspires songs from the likes of John Mayer, you know the one that goes…” mother be good to your daughters”. The clarity of the message is quite clear, being “good” is to be honest, from mother to daughter to future, present or pending partner.
    Charles Cole

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