Well now that we're alone, I think we can admit just how much trouble social media has gotten us into. Like, a lot. Like, most of us here have probably sent a message to a person when it was actually about that person, and we have probably liked somebody's photos from 2009, and we have most certainly sent a tweet when it was supposed to be a DM. Ultimately, social media works to prove we are all incompitent; that no matter how smart we seem or how successful we are, we have no idea how to press the right buttons when in the midst of a covert operation. (99.9% of the time, that operation is, "learn everything you can about the person you have a crush on like the stalker our society has raised us to be then be discovered when you accidentally type their name into the status update area instead of into the search bar.")
But I'm here to tell you that it's okay. That yes, sure, we have done things that might be too painful to speak of even on our deathbeds surrounded by other people, but those people have done it too. We're all social media failures. And this is your battle plan.
Disaster #1: You've liked somebody's old-ass photo
And I mean OLD-ass. This isn't a week, or a month, or even a year-old photo. This is that photo from that trip they went on you THINK with an ex-girlfriend, but you'll creep her later to confirm because right now you need to know what it all MEANS. And so you scroll, and you click through, and BOOM: you've liked it. You've liked the photo. That notification has been SENT, and there is nothing you can do to get it back. You have liked the photo of the guy wearing his 2007 cargo pants because that is the year in which that photo is taken. I won't lie to you, your options are limited.
Solution: You delete your account and move away. The people around you will understand. Hell, they'll help you pack. I'm sorry, but you've been busted. You'll never be cool again, and this is the fate you've dealt yourself.
Alternate solution: Own up. Like an adult. "Yep, I was creeping you, what can I say?" They can probably say a lot of things, but don't let them: make them think you've done them a favour, and they should be lucky you're even having this conversation right now. You're welcome.
Disaster #2: Liking the photo of the guy you like's girlfriend
Hey, in all fairness, I just said you'd creep her later. And you have. And here we go. It's happened: your hand slipped as you were investigating just what her body language around him is telling you, and now you will never get your life back. You have just been found guilty of stalking a stranger because you like the person they are dating. And if you have no other mutual friends, I'm sorry, the person you like knows too. (Because why else would you be creeping her?)
Solution: Befriend her. And not to get closer to a certain someone, but because friendship will save you. (Probably from nights spent doing this.)
Alternate solution: Never, ever go near him or her or anybody they know again. It's time to start your life anew, in a colony under the sea.
Disaster #3: Following a known enemy
But then, on the flipside, this happens: you're hate-creeping a human being, and, as if you have no control over your thumbs, you follow them on Twitter, add them as a friend on Facebook, or get in on the ground floor on Instagram. Now they not only know that you have actively thought about them (thus defeating the purpose of any and all "too cool for school" attitudes), they think you want to be friends.
Solution: Be friends. Why do you hate each other? It's probably over something stupid. Just be cool. Who cares? You have to see them, what, once? At someone's Christmas party? Maybe not even then? Ughhh no. You do not have time for this, just hang out digitally.
Alternate solution: You don't have any other choice, and I'm sorry. Because how awkward is the "I followed you by accident" message? So. It is so awkward that no other situation is actually deserving of the term. And you don't have time for that, either. Get out of here, everything else!
Disaster #4: Emailing or messaging the person you're talking shit about
Every person has done this, and it is exactly as traumatizing as that pit-in-your-stomach feeling tells you it is. And it is horrible because you are not only exposed as a terrible person, but as someone who has no idea how to use the Internet. That is a total of two (2) tragedies. And neither is particularly salvagable.
Solution: I don't know. I did this once and I pretended I was just "being real" about whatever it was I was talking about, but we both knew that it was because I was an idiot. So you try that — try being real. Not too real, but "Well I've been meaning to bring this up for a while . . ." real because "Whaaaaat?! I was just kidding!" is embarassing for you both.
Alternate solution: Never, ever use email again and consider living off the land until the person you messaged is long deceased.
Disaster #5: Typing the person you like's name into the Facebook status bar instead of the search bar
I mean, we are all unable to read sometimes. Also, I remember when my friend did this, and we were in her car, and we just sat there screaming until it was deleted. And looking back, that was a complete underreaction.
Solution: Exactly what I just described above. (Better too cool than over-eager, you know?)
Alternate solution: Exactly what I just described above, but then after you do that, toss your phone onto the road, run it over, and buy one of those Nokia models we all had that only had the game "Snake." At this point, it's all any of us deserve.
