So, you just had a break-up. All that time you used to spend kissing and cuddling and making stupid inside jokes in baby voices is now time your brain has to wander through a maze of lonely, melancholy thoughts. And while we’re all for drowning your sorrows in a sea of hot yoga, wine and sensitive indie rock, using your precious brainpower rehashing the details of your failed relationship is usually just a waste of time. Below, we save you valuable time by answering useless questions about your relationship:
Am I just not that pretty/smart/funny/interesting/ (fill in your own insecurity) here?
Statistics show* that nobody sees your imperfections as glaringly as you see them yourself. So no, he didn’t break up with you because your bangs are growing out a little funny or because of that one time you fell up the stairs in front of him. He didn’t even break up with you because you still wear a retainer at night and it smells awful when you wake up, or because you don’t read the same newspapers as him every morning. I promise.
Why would he say he loved me if he just ended up breaking up with me?
Who knows why people say things? Any boy who has even considered dating me knows that I spit hot crazy on a daily basis, and it doesn’t mean anything. He probably meant it when he said he loved you, but he definitely meant it when he said he wanted to break up. So just let this one go: you will never get an answer that will satisfy you.
Is this because of that one time that I farted in bed and we both pretended we were still asleep and didn’t hear it?
Was this why he gave me an Olive Garden gift card for Christmas, when we had agreed to make each other cheesy homemade gifts?
No, he just did that because he’s not that thoughtful.
Should I have seen this coming because that one time I opened my eyes when we were kissing and he was definitely looking at the TV?
Probably not, multi-tasking can be difficult to pull off.
What is he doing right now? Is he as sad as I am?
First things first: unfriend him on Facebook and Foursquare because it’s none of your business where he is. Besides, nobody ever admits how sad they are to their ex: that’s a feeling you bury deep inside your heart. Or your diary.
*statistics=my own personal opinions and observations