Bad Advice: 50-ish Ways to Leave Your Lover*

by Nora McInerny

Most people think breaking up is hard to do, but that’s only because they haven’t read this list. If you’re worried about how awkward or painful your impending break-up may be, maybe you need to try something new**:

As You’re Getting Off a Bus or Train:
This probably only works if you’re in a movie, because the timing is really, really important.

On a Bike:
Preferably as he is still unlocking his, so you can make a quick getaway.

With an E-card:
I think this one says it best.

On Facebook:
When you change your status to single, he and your entire network will be notified simultaneously. Think of the time you’ll save! Oh, you’re not in a Facebook Official relationship? Maybe you should just post a quick status update that lets everyone know you’re ready to be single again. It’s best to temporarily change your settings to disable comments.

On AIM:
This approach lets you keep it short and sweet, like: I don’t think we should date anymore. GTG. XOXO.

With Flowers:
I’m not sure what colour rose says we’re breaking up but I’m betting it’s whatever color they sell at the check-out of the gas station.

Through the Fadeaway:
If you just stop calling back, he’ll probably get the hint. Right?

On the Phone:
Even better if you just get to leave a voicemail!

Sending a Messenger:
Go back to the days of grade school, when the only way you could let a boy know that you liked him or didn’t like him was to have your friends corner him on the playground. Today, you can replace the playground for a bar if you’d like, but the principle remains the same: If you’re struggling for the right words to say, maybe your friend will be able to come up with them.

Reverse Psychology:
I know you’re ready to break up with me, and I just want you to know that’s okay. Seriously, I KNOW YOU ARE READY TO BREAK UP WITH ME, AND THAT IS OKAY WITH ME!

*More like 10
**None of these tactics are actually endorsed by the author.