It’s Friday night, I’m splayed across my couch, and I’m fantasizing about baking the chocolate chip cookies I’ve had open on my tabs bar for the last couple days, so I reach for my phone and type sorry, I can’t make it, I have influenza (because telling someone you have influenza sounds way less like you’re ghosting them than the plain old flu.) This is the extent of my experience with Tinder. For the most part, my friends and I abuse the dating app as a recreational game rather than a dating site. If I’m feeling audacious, I might let my friends coerce me into sending the occasional sup? or agreing to a date that I will predictably have to miss due to prior commitments with Kimmy Schmidt and my fridge. We spend hours collectively swiping left and engaging in the shallow activity of judging strangers online, and do so with very few regrets.
In a spontaneous interview with Vanity Fair, Amy Schumer showed us how the apathetic Tinder game is played. After stealing a Vanity Fair staffers phone to use her account, Amy laid down some solid rules of thumb:
- If the guy has a guitar in the picture it’s a big red flag.
- Your name is Niall¦no.
- Don’t spin this to be racist, but James with the red hair should not be wearing that sari.
- If you’re not wearing a shirt in your profile picture. Stop. Stop.
- This guy? I actually know this guy and you’re taller than him. So no.
- Comedian. No. Huge red flag. I know that from people trying to date me.
- He took this profile picture at the gym¦ no.
- This guy Ryan has his mom in his picture¦ the people that are the closest with their moms and do the most charity work are the secret dirtbags of the universe. Guarantee this guy is a douche.
- Is this guy skydiving? Stop enjoying your life. Just watch TV like the rest of us.
- A guy who has a three other people in his main profile picture has no confidence.
- Why did I like it? Cus he’s hot! I’m SHALLOW.
But most importantly she stresses that one must only message other tinder users as if they were a hip hop star. Noteworthy messages include, You a baby? and You drankin tonight? I started at two.
Image via Vanity Fair
