Alright, everybody, let’s get our shit together and collect ourselves. Yes, Prince Harry is in our fair nation. But most importantly, it’s under an umbrella of lies: while you think he may be here (Toronto) to celebrate the Invictus Games, he is — in fact — here to see me.
And true, I have absolutely no proof of that because we’ve never met, but in my heart I feel it, and I’m 99.9% sure he does too.
So here’s how our boy’s day is looking: he’ll be at the launch ceremony at Royal York, then he and Justin Trudeau will be hitting up a sledge hockey exhibition game at Ryerson. Then, he meets with the Ontario Lt.-Gov. Elizabeth Dowdswell. Then he’s out of here.
Because the thing is, the Invictus Games don’t start until September. Which means he has come all this way only to see me, the most important person in his life (duh). Or maybe you. I don’t know. But to prepare us for our inevitable meeting and/or meet-cute with him, here’s how to address and interact with Prince Harry, handsome man after our hearts.
1) Refer to him as “Sir” (I think)
2) But if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, refer to him as “Not Harry Styles”
3) Or: “Har-Bear” (it rhymes)
4) Ask what he’s up to
5) Even if you know, this will make you sound very cool, calm, and casual
6) Mention the weather in any capacity (#common #ground)
7) Mention Drake
8) Then, as a joke (or not), tell Harry he must only refer to Toronto as “The 6ix” in all professional capacities
9) Lure him up to the top of the CN Tower to visit your friend Aubrey who likes to sit up there sometimes
10) When he realizes halfway up that you were joking, use it as an opportunity to be tourists and dine in the fancy restaurant (he can afford it)
11) Treat yourselves to a shrimp ring
12) “Lose track” of the time and realize no trip to Toronto is complete without a Blue Jays game
13) Attend tonight’s Blue Jays game against the Texas Rangers (boo the Rangers loudly)
14) Realize you have so much in common
15) Tell him to take a break he works so hard why don’t you guys hit up Fring’s?
16) Spend no less than four hours over a second dinner, ordering liberally from the dessert menu
17) Refer to Drake as “Aubs” for as long as you can, alluding to the fact that you are close
18) Ask Harry to take a photo of you holding a Fring’s plate because it’s just really cool that you’re there you know?/
19) Ask Harry to follow you on Snapchat
20) Ask Harry to follow you on Instagram
21) Ask Harry to follow you on Twitter, but warn him that you’ll unfollow if he’s not funny
22) Realize it is very late and there are a lot of people worried about him
23) Walk back to his hotel, but take the long way so you have more time to realize how much in common you both have
24) Ask why he didn’t bring any of the Queen’s corgis with him
25) Mention meeting them “next time”
26) Do that cool wink/gun-with-your-fingers thing as you drop him off in the lobby
27) Impress him by revealing you took a few of the shrimps from dinner and they’re in your purse for a late-night snack
28) Feel satisfied in having made an incredible impression
29) Notice right away that he’s followed you on all social media fronts
30) Follow him back, but not on Twitter because he doesn’t tweet any jokes
31) I mean, like, you warned him, you know?