Oscars 2017: An Emotional Journey

Last night, the Oscars happened and what an Oscars they were. Moonlight won! (Yay!) The poor La La Land makers lived through my worth nightmare! (Woof!) Casey Affleck won an Oscar! (No thank you!) And odds are, you already know about all of this, and you’re scrolling through every Oscars post and you’re gathering your hot takes and you’re going to sort through them later and declare them piping hot or lukewarm or kind of cold and then it will be Tuesday and you will have moved on.

So here is the hottest take of all: every emotion experienced during the Academy Awards’ final three-five minutes. By me. For you. Ta da.

  • Wow, Warren Beatty is taking a really long time to read this card.
  • Is he okay?
  • Why are they being so dramatic?
  • Oh my LORD, just announce the winner.
  • THANK YOU, Faye Dunaway, okay–
  • Oh ugh, La La Land. Of course! Yep.
  • Honestly why am I even surprised at this point.
  • I mean, they all seem very nice but…
  • Oh here we go — this guy’s going to pull an Adele and say that Moonlight is the real winner while taking their Oscar home.
  • Wait, what the fuck–
  • This bit is terrible.
  • Is this a bit?
  • What is happening?
  • Is this …?
  • Holy shit.
  • Oh my God.
  • What?!
  • MOONLIGHT!
  • OKAY MOONLIGHT!
  • Wait… this is real, right?
  • Is this real?!
  • Holy shit though I would want to die if I were La La Land right now.
  • Oh my God, now they all have to walk off the stage…
  • This is my nightmare.
  • I can’t stop watching this.
  • I don’t want to stop watching this but also even if I wanted to there would be no way I could.
  • This is bananas.
  • THIS IS BANANAS.
  • You know that line in Veep where Jonah’s like “What colossal fuck-up are we dealing with today?” I think that line is about this.
  • They had one actual job.
  • Is Warren Beatty stoned?
  • If he’s not now, he should get that way immediately.
  • Save Faye Dunaway.
  • Who should be fired for this?
  • Am I going to be fired for this?
  • How does something like this even happen?
  • OKAY BUT MOONLIGHT WON LIKE THAT IS THE BEST THIS IS FANTASTIC
  • But oh my goodness if I were the La La Land team I would want to pass away.
  • They handled that well, though.
  • IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE.
  • It could be the other way around!
  • It’s fine.
  • They’ll be fine.
  • This is amazing.
  • I feel like I just ran 45 km.
  • CINEMA.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue

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