I want you guys to know something: my boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio is super funny. He wears silly hats, knee-length shorts with pockets, smokes vape cigarettes, and yesterday he scared his friend Jonah Hill by running up to him and pretending to be a fan. Jonah looked taken aback and then, because my funny boyfriend also has the heart of a goddamn saint, he hugged his friend Jonah Hill and Jonah laughed and Leo laughed and I laughed because I love my funny boyfriend.
Because that’s what you’ve got to know about my funny boyfriend, Leonardo DiCaprio: he is just joking all the time. He joked when he got his Oscar engraved, he joked when he said “please stay at least 50 feet away from me at all times, I swear to God, Anne, I will call the police again,” and he’s been joking about dating all those very young models with whom he has absolutely nothing in common.
Because honestly you should know that: Leo is not actually dating those young women. And they are not dating him. Why would he/they? They’re so young! They have so much growing up to do! They have lives to lead! And to them, he is very old! He is OVER FORTY. He is MIDDLE AGED. That doesn’t bother me because I’m 31 (on August 29, buy me a gift, please) and because he and I have been through so much, but the women he canoodles with are just very close friends who can date anybody they want, and would never actually be down with the number of hats Leo wears or the dance moves he won’t stop busting out.
“But Anne, they kiss!” you tell me. “They kiss on camera!” Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think, as Leonardo DiCaprio’s longest relationship ever, that I don’t know what performance art is? He and those lovely models are giving us the show of a lifetime, they are brilliant sketch comedians, and they are also protecting me in the process.
Yes me, the most important thing in Leonardo DiCaprio’s life. You think it’s an accident we’ve never been photographed together? Do you think it’s just a coincidence that when asked about me, Leo pretends he has no idea who I am? Every award show, I say, “Bring your mother.” And every award show, he says, “I want to bring you.”
But he doesn’t, because I am his special and wonderful girlfriend who he would never subject to the paparazzi. Never, ever. And he is my funny boyfriend who I dared to run up to Jonah Hill and pretend to be a massive fan. And he did it because he is so funny. My funny boyfriend, Leonardo DiCaprio. The love of my life.