Guys, guys. We’ve got to relax. We’ve got to take a long, hard look at ourselves and decide first and foremost that while we enjoy Keeping Up With the Kardashians and/or various Snapchat accounts, we need to care about Kylie Jenner a little bit less.
Not because she’s a bad person or not worth our time or anything condescending, I promise. No, because she’s 18. She is an 18-year-old woman. She is a teenager. In Canada, she’s can’t even drink legally yet. She is a baby. A wee tiny baby girl who, yes, has seen more of this terrible world than any of us ever will, but also: 18. You know what I was doing when I was 18? Scrunching my hair with gel and wearing clogs with flared jeans. I was desperate to make this one boy like me at our high school (it went badly), and I’d listen to jazz thinking I was just like Sex and the City because that’s what adults did. In short: while I’m sure Kylie Jenner is super mature for her age, she is also 18. Which means it is ~*fucking weird*~ that we are talking about her sex tape like it’s a thing we should care about.
I say this because this weekend her Twitter got hacked and girlfriend took to Snapchat to clarify that she had not gone rogue on social media, but also that her sex tape with Tyga is like “fetch” in that us seeing it is never gonna happen.
“Everyone is like, ‘leak the sex tape,'” Jenner said in her second video. “Guys, you are never going to see a sex tape from me. It’s not gonna happen.”
And like, good? Why do we need to see this? I mean, look: if you are an adult who wants to issue a sex tape, go for it. Dare to dream. Live your life, no harm, no foul, #bless. But while Kylie Jenner is technically an adult, she is also a teenager. Like, was 17 recently. Like, calm down with the sex tape thirst, you freaks. Can she make one? Yes! Sure! Should we be nagging her to see it? Ew, no. What’s wrong with you? I mean, in general, have chill. But come on, weirdos. She’s not even with Tyga anymore. Focus on the lip kits. Have some self-respect.
And if there is one eventually released, it’s acceptable only to be watched if Kylie Jenner has endorsed it. That is the only way anybody can watch it without being an actual monster. So! Those are the rules:
1) No more questions about the sex tape.
2) If there ever is the release of a sex tape, it is only to be viewed if Kylie Jenner has personally invited everybody to watch it.
3) Literally only then. No exceptions.
Thank you. Relax.