Justin Bieber Has Deleted Instagram: An Investigation

This morning, I awoke to the startling news that my tiny baby son has done the unthinkable: he has deleted Instagram, making it nearly impossible to track his movements or read into the person he hopes to become.

So alas, it is a dark day. It is a day even darker than the one in which Selena Gomez commented, “If you can’t handle the hate then stop posting pictures of your girlfriend lol — it should be special between you two only. Don’t be mad at your fans. They love you. They were there for you before anyone.” (But not as dark as when Bieber responded with, “It’s funny to see people that used me for attention still try to point the finger at the ones that were forgiving and supportive, no wonder fans are mad. Sad. All the love.” Because look: Donald Trump has ruined “sad” and we can’t say that word now for 36 more years.) (And then he accused Selena of cheating with Zayn. Woof.)

And now the question is why. Why has our tiny baby boy rejected our digital advances and left us high and dry with only our imaginations to fuel our zest for online voyeurism? Why has Bieber abandoned Instagram? Why can’t I just live a single day without him trying to grow up and leave me behind?

Here’s what I think, according to me, his mother:

– Baby Biebs is truly over any/all Instagram drama and it’s as simple as that (#boring)

– Baby Biebs can’t handle the existing ties to Selena, who is basically a coworker now thanks to their super-weird industry

– Baby Biebs knows that he can never compete with my Instagram feed, so why even try

– Baby Biebs went through his old photos and got embarrassed by his use of the Kelvin filter the way we all did before any of us knew we didn’t have to use it, nor should we ever have

– Baby Biebs knew it would take too much time to go in and correct all his grammar mistakes on any/all captions

– Baby Biebs figured that if an Instagram caption falls in the woods and then the woods is wiped out by the deletion of an app, no one will hear it nor bring it up again

– Baby Biebs forgot that screenshots exist and aspires to be truly free

– Baby Biebs forgot his password, thought, “Fuck it” and now here we are

– Baby Biebs would like to remain “mysterious”

– Baby Biebs literally just made a mistake and has no idea his account has been deleted and is in for a major surprise

– Baby Biebs did not delete his account, but is operating under the alias, “Anne’s Wee Son”

– Baby Biebs wants to focus on tweeting

– Baby Biebs wants to focus on Snapchat

– Baby Biebs wants to focus on Facebook (gross)

– Baby Biebs wants to perfect his Pinterest game

– Baby Biebs believes this is the thing that will make Selena miss him and even though he has no interest in getting back together, he just wants to know that she’s thinking about him because it’s super validating to know that someone from your past still thinks about you and that you can still really bother them by being either very successful or completely MIA but maybe I’m just projecting too much onto him here and why doesn’t Leo write me back you guys WTF

– I grounded my precious son, Justin Bieber, from using Instagram

Hint: it is for sure the last one.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue, topstory

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