It’s the Long Weekend, How Was YOUR Summer?

Today is the last Friday of the “official” summer holiday which means we’ve got about three days left to do everything we insisted we’d do over June, July and August.

And do you feel nervous? Did me saying that drive home the knowledge that, like me, you did not do at least 50 per cent of the shit you said you’d do after reading one too many “10 ways to have the best summer ever!!!!!!” posts? Do you feel disappointed in yourself? Are you conflicted between wanting to drink a pumpkin spiced latte and mourning the loss of your afternoons sipping cold brew on your back deck?

Me too. So, because we have 72 hours to make Summer ’16 the most important summer ever, here is a checklist you can take into this weekend according to me, the person who decides what makes the best summer ever.

Note that if you do not complete it, your summer was obviously a total waste. (Although I would be willing to change my stance if you were to send me a novelty autumnal beverage every day for the rest of my life. Either/or.)

So! Here is the shit you have to do:

– Take at least one (1) selfie in a car, going someplace rural or lakeside

– Take at least one (1) photo of a lake or beautiful view with a caption about how ugly it looks

– Anything beach (it doesn’t matter)

– Sit atop one of those inflatable swans like Taylor Swift didn’t ruin them forever

– Stage a photo of yourself looking casual that we’ll all pretend wasn’t staged and filtered

– Snapchat the temperature

– Snapchat the temperature and pretend to be bothered by it

– Snapchat the temperature atop an image that has nothing to do with the temperature at all

– Snapchat yourself talking like a bee (because honestly by Tuesday I will seriously be over that shit forever)

– Go to a carnival and take photos of the rides but avoid going on them at all because no thank you

– Go to a carnival and fight tooth and nail for the shittiest prizes to ever exist, realize too late that they are terrible and now you’ve got 14 stuffed potatoes

– Pretend you like the beach

– Go there, and tell yourself that crowds of children and teens and sand is exactly what you love because you love it it’s summer this is who you are and what you love

– Intentionally forget to apply sunscreen to snag that one last great terrible sunburn

– Intentionally forget to drink enough water to snag that one last great bout of heat stroke

– Read every book you swore you’d read this summer

– Watch every movie you swore you’d watch this summer

– Buy all the clearance summer clothing you can find, telling yourself they will transition perfectly into fall (they will not)

– Drop “Summer ’16” as much as you can, pretending you are not tired of hearing this

– Ignore the fact that summer technically lasts until the end of the month

– Forget that you’re an adult who can make summer last forever

– Buy iced pumpkin spice lattes en masse and shout as loud as you can in a public space, “I CAN HAVE IT ALL”

– No, louder


Tags: Anne T. Donahue, topstory

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