There’s two pieces of news I’m about to give you that will change your life. The first: Drake is going to drop a new album in December, and in honour of both his birthday and this announcement, he delivered three new songs today — on this, the day of his birth.
The second piece of news: it is Drake’s day of birth.
On Sunday, Aubrey revealed More Life will be his follow-up to Views, and described it to Beats 1 as a “soundtrack to your life.” (Which I’ll admit is the worst way to describe anything, but it’s Aubs and he’s an emotional soul, so maybe this is his equivalent of that scene in Garden State where Natalie Portman gives Zach Braff the headphones and makes him listen to The Shins.)
So okay cool! But now that Drake is 30 (confirmed: I am older than Drake) (and maybe wiser than Drake?) we can spend the rest of the day imagining how he’ll spend his big 3-0. Last year when I turned 30, I felt super anxious at my own birthday so after an hour and a half, I left and vowed never to have another birthday party again. (Too many cooks, you guys. You know?) So maybe he is doing that. And now, in celebration, you can do the following:
– Overreact to everything
– Overreact to the point of launching a heavily documented dispute despite the fact you could easily sort it out with just a phone call
– Publicly declare your appreciation for Rihanna all the time and everywhere
– Ignore the fact that you’re not in her life by very publicly hanging out with anybody else
– Feel upset about something constantly
– Continue to feel upset until somebody recognizes your talent and then feign humility (then be more upset when that person goes, “Oh okay!”)
– Handle your feelings with a trip to the Cheesecake Factory
– Fight with somebody you care about there
– Complain about fighting with them at the Cheesecake Factory, a family restaurant that’s full of families who don’t need to know your business
– Get your meal to go since you’ve embarrassed yourself and it’s time to leave
– Realize that this was actually your 30th birthday party and you feel very anxious
– Accept that you are not at the Cheesecake Factory but instead at a Toronto restaurant and it is the year of our lord, 2015
– Come to terms with the fact that you are Anne T. Donahue, leaving her own birthday party early because it was all just too much
– Make a post about Drake’s birthday all about you
– Realize you’ve just done what Drake would do
Happy birthday, Aubrey!
