Right! So tomorrow we’ll be gifted a new episode of Riverdale, which means we will have a slew of new questions to try and answer while shouting “BUT ARCHIE ISN’T EVEN THAT GOOD AT MUSIC” into the abyss.
So, as a Riverdale fan, I have some questions I’ll need answered before this season wraps up. (Does anybody know when it wraps up, BTW? Because I need it to continue. I just found out Missing Richard Simmons has only like, three episodes to go and I find that very unfair because I think podcasts and TV shows should go on forever, but maybe that’s just me, a person who constantly needs to be entertained.) Anyway! Here we go.
- Someone stupid killed Jason, didn’t they?
- Like we’re going to find out Moose did because he was jealous about football, aren’t we?
- Is everyone else as in love with Jughead/Cole Sprouse as I am?
- Can you please not answer the above question unless the answer is “yes”?
- Are Archie’s friends and family terrible for not telling him his music is mediocre at best?
- Why do so many of these high school teachers and adults care about school sports and variety shows?
- Did you guys know that you couldn’t have paid me to care about either of those things in high school?
- Did Archie really not know who Bob Dylan is?
- Do you think Archie understood he’s the Yoko Ono?
- Do you think Archie knows who The Beatles are?
- Why have no one else at Riverdale High come to realize Archie is not cool even slightly?
- Why was Josie’s Dad such a dick?
- Why do any of these parents care so much about what their teens are doing?
- This isn’t a question, but if I were in a band in high school, my parents would just be happy I wasn’t hanging out in the parking lot I always hung out in, back in 2002.
- Anyway, are we ever going to see Veronica’s Dad?
- Do we even really care about any parental storylines outside of Skeet Ulrich?
- Is it okay to be still very attracted to Skeet Ulrich?
- When will Betty realize her ponytail isn’t helping anybody?
- Is Polly . . . okay? Like, I will say physically, emotionally and mentally because she had to know Jason died, right?
- Are Betty’s parents really that bad or is her Mom just trying to escape the memories of her teen years spent in Twin Peaks?
- Does Betty still love Archie or is that over?
- Do we buy Betty and Jughead as a couple?
- Is Jughead going to grow up and be awesome or will be tell women what they don’t “get” about Infinite Jest?
- Why does no one have house parties in this town?
- Why didn’t my hometown have a cool nighttime diner?
- Do you think Archie’s Dad watched Beverly Hills: 90210?
- Do you think Jughead’s Dad watched Scream?
- Do you think Ms. Grundy will be arrested soon?
- Why am I, a 31-year-old woman, so invested in a TV show about the lives of teenager?
- Can you not answer that last one, please?
- Can you just let me have this?
- Thanks?
Thanks!
