We did it, everybody! If you’re reading this, we have made it to the end of the year of our lord, 2016 a.k.a. the worst year to have existed since 0000. So congrats! It happened. Despite thinking that this year might actually just continue on and on until we’ve all passed away, we’ve learned otherwise and are staring bravely into the face of 2017, a year with unlimited possibilities.
But 2016 deserves its own send-off. So to capitalize on how excited everybody is to see it burned to the ground, here are the only sentiments I will accept upon reflecting on the year that happened after the one that came before it.
- Goodbye, I hate you.
- Part of you was fine I guess but a bigger part was the opposite and I learned never to trust anyone or anything because of you.
- You’re not better than me.
- All of us prevailed and you ended, therefore we are the champions.
- How dare you.
- If you were a person I would talk so much shit behind your back.
- If you were a person I would also talk so much shit to your face.
- Like, you’re nice sometimes but then you turn around and start running your mouth, so it’s like, what’s your problem, man?
- I thought we were friends.
- I know you didn’t owe me anything, but it just would’ve felt nice to feel appreciated.
- You basically walked into our homes and ate all our food and then left after spilling said food on the carpet.
- It’s like you borrowed our car and then brought it back without a roof and no gas and also it was on fire and also it wasn’t our car, it was another car that you stole after totalling the car we lent you.
- It’s like you hooked up with our boyfriend/girlfriend and we caught you and instead of saying you were sorry, you just asked if we could order Dominos for the two of you.
- Are you proud of yourself? Is this what you grew up hoping to be?
- Take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror.
- In the immortal words of Amy from Veep, you have thrown this entire world into a salad spinner of fuck.
- On our deathbeds, we will all curse you.
- I will name my sled after you so that the world knows that you have haunted me to my very core.
- You are Rosebud.
- Now please limp gently into that quiet night.
- Bless us everyone and may whatever higher power you believe in help us in 2017.