In Defense Of No-News News: Let’s Talk About Kanye West’s Haircuts

Right now, it’s Monday morning. The Internet continues to exist, MRAs are up in arms over anyone calling them out on being MRAs, a UFO was spotted in LA on Saturday night, and Scar-Jo earned $20 million for her role in The Avengers.

But honestly, all I want to talk about right now is Kanye West’s haircuts.

According to a claim made by Rihanna’s dad (Ronald Fenty) in Heat, Mr. West spends $182, 500 on haircuts (because he spends $500/per).

“It’s crazy,” Fenty said, reflecting on his time spent on tour with Kanye and Rihanna, back in 2010. “He pays his barber $500 a time. I don’t understand how that much hair gets taken off.”

“Kanye just loves the fresh look.”

And I love Kanye. Also, I personally love how much joy I’ve derived from this story. First, it’s offering a reprieve from a world of sad/bad news that we will for sure get to at some point this week because let’s be serious, but also: it upholds my theory that we all deserve to get what we want, goddamn it.

I mean, really. Why shouldn’t Kanye West get a $500 haircut? He works hard. He deserves to have the haircut of his dreams. Just like how yesterday, I deserved to have ribs for dinner, and I did. And then I topped off said ribs by watching a documentary on Netflix (#humblebrag #about #how #smart #I #am) and eating a lot of leftover Halloween candy, because this is my life and my destiny and no one will tell me how to approach either.

And does all of this seem trivial compared to say, the wage gap and the UFO and presidential candidate Ben Carson lying about everything that’s ever happened in his life? Of course it does. Kanye’s haircuts are incredibly trivial. Who cares? I mean, honestly. (And I am genuinely asking: do you care? I don’t care. Not really, aside from thinking it’s great he can afford a fancy ‘do.) But the thing is, sometimes, in a world defined by a long list of everything going terribly, terribly wrong, we need to talk about things like Kanye West’s hair.

Is it important? Nope. But no-news news is important to our sanity. No-news news is basically the Internet equivalent of going to see Spectre despite knowing that it is not a good movie at all, but look: everyone wears very nice clothes, and isn’t that special. No-news news is Halloween candy. It’s the Twitter heart versus the Twitter fav. It’s Starbucks red cups. (AKA disposable cups that have never connoted a religious affiliation and continue to remain un-aligned with religion, despite the uproar from certain sects, who claim the lack of snowflakes on the cups this year equate to the end of times.)

But see? This is why we need to talk about Kanye West’s haircut. Because otherwise we will spend all of our time (instead of most of it) screaming into the night about how terrible the world is, because believe me: without the peppering of nonsensical headlines, that is definitely all we’d do.

Although that being said, I bet the UFO came to find out more details about Kanye West’s haircut.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue, kanye west

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