Well, everybody, here we are: hours before the first presidential debate of the season (with two more to go after this one, help us all), and with hope draining out just as quickly as when I realized I’d locked myself out of the house last week.
So I’ve organized a drinking and/or eating game to go along with tonight’s festivities. First, because I can’t stop thinking about the debate in general, and also because if you’re strong enough to watch the debate without food or drinks or food dunked in drinks, you are likely a robot and not at all human because #woof this election, you guys.
Even though I know a few of you are like, “Um, why should I care? I’m Canadian!” And like, do not start with me. First, to assume that what the US decides will have no impact on us or the rest of the world is incredibly ignorant. Second, Donald Trump is a sexist, racist, homophobic, classist, xenophobic idiot and/or the poster child for hate and white privilege. If this election isn’t scaring the shit of you (guys, he may actually become the leader of the United States of America”are you seeing this?!) then I don’t know. I can’t help you. We probably wouldn’t be friends in real life if we met. But I mean, good luck.
Anyway! Tonight’s game. Here we go.
PS. You don’t have to drink alcohol. I won’t be, because I’m addicted to it and can’t drink without it turning into a thing. So while I say “drink” know that I mean “consume a full bag of candy” or “enjoy an entire non-alcoholic beer” which is exactly what I intend on doing. So I say “drink.” But what I mean is “do whatever you want, this is just a chance for us to laugh before we descend into tears.”
1) Drink every time someone says “emails” (JK you will die of alcohol poisoning”instead, drink once every five times they’re mentioned)
2) Drink every time Trump makes a face
3) Drink every time Hillary looks at a post-Trump cheering crowd and seems to think, “Are you fucking serious?”
4) Drink every time Trump says “folks”
5) Drink every time Hillary is interrupted by Trump and his tiny hands
6) Drink every time you remember how small Trump’s hands are
7) Drink every time Trump mentions one of his business accomplishments
8) Drink every time Trump mentions one of his business accomplishments that have failed
9) Drink every time Trump calls Hillary a liar
10) Switch to something non-alcoholic because you are seconds away from alcohol poisoning
11) Drink whenever Trump mentions that godforsaken wall
12) Drink whenever Hillary looks like she’s staring into the abyss
13) Drink whenever Hillary says something that makes sense
14) Drink whenever Trump tries to undermine it by mentioning emails
15) Drink whenever you remember he hasn’t released his tax returns
16) Sad! (You’re now out of whatever you’ve been drinking since I told you to switch)
17) Consume an entire bag of chips whenever you remember that zero presidents have endorsed Trump, nor think he could run a country
18) Take out a can of whip cream and consume its entire contents whenever Trump hails Putin’s political methods
19) Pour out the entire contents of your fridge and cry while covered in them whenever Trump mentions anything”anything at all
20) Take yourself to the hospital because you’ve consumed an alarming amount of everything”why did you listen to me?!