Well, guys, another season is here. The Bachelorette Canada made its debut last night with hairstylist Jasmine Lorimer meeting 20 of the country’s most eligible bachelors in hopes that she can find her true love. Let’s just say we have some questions.
1. Which hair salon does Jasmine work at and how do I get my hair to look like that?
2. Is Noah Cappe just like everywhere these days?
3. Is he the Canadian Chris Harrison?
4. If things don’t work out with Mikhel, can we take him out on a date? The aviation engineer is FINE LIKE WINE.
5. What leave-in conditioner do you think Thomas uses?
6. Why does Drew seem like such a douche?
7. Is he the new Chad?
8. Is Kyle the complete package? (Yes.) Can they send him our way, along with his cats?
9. Can we talk about how fun Wale’s (Wal-ay’s) name is to say?
10. Can we talk about how Wale needs to learn that you can’t spin a girl in a standing dress that has a train? GOD WALE.
11. Why did they play porn music when Drew walked up to Jasmine?
12. Like why is Kyle so perfect?
13. Kevin, what’s with the ukulele?
14. Is Chris like a mad scientist or something?
15. Does Kevin P. get sympathy points for being sick, just like Wells did that one time?
16. Do you think Jasmine really like Ross’ poem? (Probably not.)
17. Why did they play Latin music when Thomas walked up? Is it because his hair makes him look like a Latin lover?
18. Why is a “Butler in the Buff” a thing? JP, can you explain?
19. Can you get more Canadian than saying “it feels like the first day of hockey tryouts”?
20. Did Drew just assume that Jasmine’s parents are divorced and that’s why her dad isn’t around?
21. Why didn’t Jasmine correct him that her dad actually passed? (Is it so she can make him feel like a jerk later?)
22. Why is Thomas’ nickname “sexual tongue” and why is it making me so uncomfortable?
23. Is David the first guitar-playing guy that I haven’t wanted to punch? (YES.)
24. Did he totally blow it with Jasmine by saying “TOP THAT!” after he serenaded her (and us)? (ALSO YES.)
25. I also went to Bali this year, so where was this place you could get tacos/tattoos? JASMINE I NEED TO KNOW.
26. Why is there always one drunk person on the first night? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?
27. Is Jasmine a badass for calling David out on his stupid response (calling it a “bro move”) to the rest of the guys and making it seem like he’s just in it for the competition? (Oh, yes.)
28. Is Mike going to be Jasmine’s husband because he got the first impression rose?
29. There are still 15 guys left; do you think I can get away with only remembering like five of them?
Bonus: Why do guys (looking at you Tony) blame other guys for them getting sent home? She’s just not that into you, bro.