Monday nights have meaning again! The new season of The Bachelorette returned to the airwaves last night, with Joelle JoJo Fletcher at the helm with 26 guys vying for her heart. In between taking shots every time JoJo said “thank you” or called a guy hot, we were watching all the action unfold to bring some of the most fucked up moments of the night. Let’s just say we’re not proud of the guy representing Canada.
1. The fake professions made a comeback. I mean, we knew they would be, but you hope that they won’t. Bachelor Superfan and Canadian are not real professions. Just stop.
2. The guy in the kilt who thought it would be okay to talk about his peen in the first conversation and say he wasn’t wearing any panties. NO.
3. Speaking of peens, we met Evan, a former pastor turned erectile dysfunction specialist. “It’s a hard job.” I’ll bet it’s not.
4. Trying to choose between Christina, Jordan and Wells. Impossible.
5. Luke won entrance of the night when he came in on a unicorn (okay, it was a horse with a unicorn horn, but still).
6. Tragically, Will got the first kiss of the night by duping JoJo with a cootie catcher (we’re convinced every choice said kiss. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable PLATONIC kiss ever.
7. The first real kiss of the night was with Jordan who had wanted a smooch while they were chatting, but missed his chance and then went back (earning him the first impression rose). JoJo’s reaction was every girl kissing a hot guy ever.
8. Daniel (the professional Canadian) tried to explain Damn Daniel to JoJo, making his entire home nation cringe and hate him and try to get him deported. THEN HE POKED SOMEONE’S BELLY BUTTON and made everyone question whether this was a Canadian custom. NO. IT’S NOT. HE’S WRONG. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE CRAZY GUY GETTING NAKED. Yes, then he got naked and went in the pool. Le sigh.
9. Just when the rose ceremony was getting started, JAKE PAVELKA WALKED IN. (NONONONONONOOOOOOO.) JoJo referred to him as a “good family friend who’s like a brother” (ew), but Jake had to get all the guys wound up by dropping by. While we all thought the villain was back, he really just came to give JoJo a pep talk. Aww?
10. In a weird turn of events, Daniel actually got a rose and everyone watching in Canada collectively went “ugh.”