It took me no less than 26 years to realize that buying Christmas presents isn't supposed to be some stressful, expensive thing. We are not kids playing pretend in a fake store in somebody's garage: we are grown-ass human beings, who have things like phones and living spaces and gas to pay for (she screams, banging her shoe on the table at the library). So that being said, I have assembled the ultimate list of presents people really want, minus any and all pomp and/or circumstance.
Think of this as the Our Bodies, Our Selves of holiday shopping. Or: Everything You Wanted to Know About Christmas Shopping and Were Afraid to Ask (TM). You're welcome.
1. A Leonardo DiCaprio fan book
Value Village, $5 maximum — the options are endless. We want to be reminded that we've always had good taste. Please help make it possible.
2. The Titanic book
YOU KNOW THE ONE. $30 in its heyday (so, like, $1000 now), most of us couldn't afford it, and most of our parents wouldn't buy it for us. Are you ready to go back to Titanic? Yes. (Usually found at VV for a whopping $4-$9.)
3. A novelty vest
I want a faux fur vest more than anything in this world, but I'm not going to pay a lot for one because that's obscene. That's why you should pay to indulge somebody else's whim. Christmas isn't for responsibility: it's for that thing you can't justify buying without feeling really guilty and sad.
4. Anything Drake and/or Beyonce-related
Seriously if anybody were to say, "Oh . . . I don't like Drake/Beyonce" that is just an indicator that you should cut them out of your life. Consider this like, a test.
5. A gift card
Remember when we'd say things like, "I can't give a gift card — it's too impersonal." FUCK THAT. People love shopping and nobody has money. Let them be FREE.
6. Something very cool and old
I don't care what it is — people (we/me) love cool, old shit. It doesn't even have to make sense. It can be a top hat from a Victorian display at some antique market. "Cool!" most people will think upon getting something with any historical clout. "Historical clout!" HAPPY CHRISTMAS INDEED.
7. Any old nineties CD
No, not "any 'ol nineties CD" I mean, any old nineties CD. A used, beautiful copy of Big Shiny Tunes 2. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH JOY THAT WILL BRING? I'll tell you: I have two different Big Shiny Tunes albums in my car, and they are each literal gifts from whatever-higher-powers-you-believe-in. At no point has anybody been sad to see a Big Shiny Tunes album. Why? Because they are proof that while everybody else was listening to *NSYNC, they were listening to Smashing Pumpkins.
8. Those *NSYNC puppet dolls
But speaking of *NSYNC: even the most hardcore rock and/or roll fan will LOSE IT over one of these because they MATTER. (Not as much as the Spice Girls dolls you should also absolutely pick up if you can find them — seriously: think antique and thrift stores — but close.)
9. Limited edition makeup
Admittedly, any and all limited edition anything will cost some dollars. But for a best pal that you know won't buy that lipstick she can't 100% re-buy in a few months when she uses it all up, you swoop in and deliver. "God bless us everyone." – Tiny Tim
10. COOL THINGS FOR ONE'S WALLS
Think about the last time you purchased something for your room. Exactly. You didn't, because out of all the things we can spend our income on, "a thing for our rooms" is probably not making it into the top 20. That's why anything for someone's house is awesome (excluding dishes and other boring things). Seriously, anything. You go to Etsy right this minute and you plug in your pal's favourite TV show/movie, and you reap the benefits. Then buy the same for yourself.
11. Beyonce nail decals
Because Christmas and the holidays deserve good, beautiful things. #Flawless