Things I Thought Were Zits But Weren’t

As someone who has suffered with acne since teenage-hood I’m constantly examining my face and my chest and my back and my legs and my elbows and my everything for a forthcoming monstrous life-altering Godzilla-like pimple. If I can spot the bugger before it balloons I can possibly kill it in its tracks or at least minimize its size or at the very least prevent it from taking over my entire body.

Thus I’m wildly hyper-aware of the goings ons of my skins. I’ve become excellent at detecting potential bumps as they rise to the surface, however I do regularly make many mistakes. As in, I’ve been confident that zits were arriving for a period-themed visit when they were actually… 100% definitely not zits in the slightest.

May I present to you a ridiculous list of real blemish misdiagnoses I have made:

A freckle

Sure, this makes sense to a degree. It’s a brownish spot on the bodice. Who hasn’t confused the two? This mix-up is especially prevalent in the summer when the sun brings all of the freckles to the yard and I hypothesize that my greasy cheeks are being covered in a field of blackheads ˜cause I’m a hot sweaty mess. Turns out, I’m just an adorable freckled ANNIE type!

A blob of jam

This makes a hell of a lot less sense. Yes, jam is red. But that’s where the similarities end. Jam is food. Pimples are not. How I even managed to get such a small, solid speck of strawberry goo onto my chin baffles me. I don’t even buy jam! Who’s buying jam in 2015? Not me. Not any other reasonable person in their twenties. Where the heck did this fruit spread even come from?! MY NIGHTMARES?

A mole

Another sensical disguise for a blemish. It’s round. It’s raised often. It’s black/brown/even a bit¦ brown-red? Sometimes? It elicits as much panic from me as a zit does if not way way WAY more, since you know, zits are temporary but a mole could very well mean THE END OF MY BEING. What I’m saying is discovering a pimple is actually a mole could triple my life fears, so occasionally when I think it’s a mole and it’s just a pimple I’m relieved/still annoyed.

A dot of eyeliner

Oh, make-up! You’re supposed to be HELPING me through this beauty struggle not masking yourself as MORE struggle. I don’t wear red eyeliner but I do wear black, basically everyday, and when I’m real chatty and real stressed and real drunk I spread that liner all around. Upon returning home or going to the washroom I discover this and conclude that my damn pores are clogging themselves once again. It’s a relief when I shower and the pores magically unclog¦

An old zit still fading away

This misunderstanding often makes me burst out loud in laughter, ˜cause I DO in fact see a zit, but it’s not a sexy, young, fresh zit new to the scene. It’s an old, over-the-hill fogie who is about to retire and say farewell to show face-ness forever. Unless, of course it makes a comeback a few days later which has definitely happened. The comeback zit: the most evil of them all.

A lipstick splotch

MAKE-UP? WHY? WHY HAVE YOU FREQUENTLY FORSAKEN ME? My lip colour of choice is red. I don’t dabble in pink or brown or black or purple. I stick to red, always, and misapply it, always, and label it an oily terror, always. You could even say that my shade is THE RED HERRING. Thank you and goodnight.

A chilli flake

I do not grasp how food can prevail on my skin for as long as it does, but it routinely makes itself a semi-permanent home on my forehead. Chilli flakes go in the mouth which is in the opposite direction of the forehead. But, I have found a flake OR TWO near the top of my skull, veiled as a pustule. It’s the greatest feeling when you go to touch said pustule and it attaches to your finger.

A mosquito bite

These are equally as irritating as zits are but for some reason feel more socially acceptable. EVERYONE gets mosquito bites no matter how balanced or unbalanced their hormones are. No matter if they’re a puberty-ridden teenager or an embarrassed career adult. No matter if they wash their oils away nightly or dunk their head in a bowl of pesto every evening. If you go camping, you wake-up with a mosquito bite. That’s just how it FLIES. And although they’re itchy and zits are not you can guarantee that a bite will take off within a few days. It won’t invite a bunch of friends to the party and grow five times larger while you sleep.

A pimple scar

Acne scarring is a trick of the eye because it sometimes looks like a freckle, sometimes looks like a mole, sometimes looks like a jam, and sometimes looks like a sexy, young, fresh zit new to scene. Turns out, it’s a ghost who died long ago but continues to haunt you as a reminder that you ate a large pizza on your own once and should never do it again.

A dab of hot sauce

Like, seriously? My mother was right. I am a HOT mess.

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