What His Pet Says About Him

He has: a snake
This says: Hey. Remember the kid from your high school class who said his dream was to be a centaur? Well I’m all grown up now and the pet I chose requires me to feed it live mice. It also requires my living room decor to center around a giant aquarium, which serves as the only light in my dismal apartment. What kind of a guy would select a pet that is cold, slippery and completely incapable of love? You tell me.

He has: a mutt
This says: I’m steadfast, reliable, and probably have a decent heart. With me, it’s not just about looks (although I do think you’re very pretty.) Give him 1,000 imaginary bonus points if his mutt only has three legs, one eye or some other blatant physical deformity.

He has: a ferret
This says: I really enjoy the renaissance fair. Would you like me to make you some cous cous? Oh, this? It’s just my sword collection. Have you ever been LARPing?

He has: a bird
This says: Isn’t it a miracle of nature that birds can fly? Well TOO BAD BECAUSE THIS LITTLE BIRDIE STAYS IN A CAGE ALL DAY AND HIS WINGS WILL NEVER KNOW THE FEELING OF THE WIND RUSHING THROUGH HIS LOVELY FEATHERS! (Negative bonus points if it’s a tropical bird and the guy lives somewhere like Northern Nunavut.)

He has: a lap dog
This says: I bought this dog especially to illicit awwwws from girls who pass us on the street. Or, I bought it with a girlfriend/wife and took it away from her after the breakup just to really twist the knife in her heart. Or, I’m gay.

He has: a cat
This says: I’m a sensitive guy, albeit kind of a loner. I will listen to you talk about your hopes and dreams, but my apartment will always have kind of a weird smell to it. I do most of my shopping at thrift stores, and spend a decent amount of time getting high and making my cat chase the laser pointer.