By Anne T. Donahue
On Saturday, we will finally be freed from the confines of winter. We will have reason to hope. To laugh. To prance. To buy new t-shirts. We will be seconds closer to putting our boots and coats away and cursing them all as we do it, pretending we’re not going to see them again roughly six months because time is cruel and I hate it. Spring will have sprung, and winter 2021 can go to the devil.
So in celebration, I have made a celebratory list of how you can ring in this momentous occasion. First, because I love to tell you what to do and also because I need to find a way to fill my weekend since my life is shocking in its mundanity. Bless us all.
Scream at the sun for as long as you can
The beauty is that it’s warmer now, so venting your frustrations for as long as your body allows is an ideal way to spend at least the second half of breakfast. So put on a jacket (not a coat, no way in hell). Wear your Crocs with abandon. And shout until you are hoarse because the sun doesn’t have feelings and if you do this to one of your pets, they will be taken away from you and for good reason.
Begin to build that spring/summer wardrobe
This is my way of saying, “Go to a store where you feel safe and invest in anything that’s extremely marked down and can be taken into a warmer season. Please don’t actually spend the majority of your income on jorts and flip-flops. I’m primarily suggesting that you just find a tie-dye hoodie for 50% off and wear it for many months. Amen.
Buy a plant
This plant will represent your hopes and dreams until the first day of summer, when you will realize that you can actually not take care of plants orthat you have a new calling: to completely define your new identity by plants and their kin. There is no in-between, but reconciling between the two is an efficient way to spend many hours, especially when you…
Play Fleetwood Mac loudly, obnoxiously, and outside if possible
I’m not sure who declared Fleetwood Mac to be the harbinger of seasonal hope, but I’m going to take credit for it in this moment and remind you that nothing says “snow is damned and I hate ice” more than listening to Stevie Nicks do anything, but especially help articulate that toxicity of a group I will obsess over until I am long dead.
Not only because I want you to get adequate amounts of vitamin C, but because spring is the season in which I personally choose to consume nothing but watermelon (out of date, but leave me be), berries (again, imported, but hush), and anything else I tend to eat to the point of making myself physically ill until September. Of course, this choice will last only one afternoon until you soon realize the consequences of eating a basked of strawberries during a single episode of Laguna Beach, but for that heroic half hour, it is spring and summer at your home or wherever you stream 00s-era cultural staples.
Find and purchase any/all Easter chocolate
This actually has nothing to do with the spring, but it feels morally better if you eat six boxes of Peeps while staring at a gaggle of robins congregating on a fence. (Just don’t eat the bird-shaped ones.)
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