By Anne T. Donahue
Truthfully, the fact that you are reading this is an incredible feat because the only thing any of us want to do right now is watch CNN. (I mean, “want” means “wishes we didn’t have to, but here we are, and I want to perish.”) As you know, it’s the longest week in the history of weeks, and as we inch closer towards as official declaration of president, doing anything other than thinking about and waiting for the outcome seems ridiculous and obscene.
But here’s what I can offer: a list of ways to multi-task. Are they productive? No. Do they take any real brain power? Absolutely not. But will they help kill time until we know what the hell is going on in Pennsylvania? I mean, maybe. So without further ado I bring to you this: an extensive list of ways to pass the time despite time not moving at all. Heaven help us all.
Stare out the window, thinking only of where it all went wrong
This is a pastime I enjoy even when we’re not waiting to see if the worst human alive will be run out of the White House. (I’m talking about Trump, by the way.) But I cannot recommend it enough right now: stand at a window, holding a cup of tea or a glass of whatever, and stare at passerby. If they look up, raise your cup as if to greet them. But then turn around to face your television and raise it to John King, who has been standing next to that board for three days without a break.
Drive or walk around listening to the theme from Big Little Lies
No, you will not be in front of the computer or television. Yes, you can ensure you get push notifications sent to your phone so you won’t miss a moment of celebration or despair. Assume everybody looking at you thinks you’re a movie star, playing a woman with significant emotional baggage. Smile at them softly, for they don’t know how right they are.
Scream like Marissa Cooper in that scene where she throws furniture into the pool
Preferably while next to a pool. If a pool can’t be found, find a chair that weighs next to nothing and lightly drop it on the floor of your apartment. Scream louder as to make up for this lacklustre shortcoming. Pause only to see if it’s still too close to call. Then return to said activity.
Try to cry, then revel in the fact that you cannot
For the next several days or weeks, our ability to feel anything will be limited to a numb, wide-eyed stare and replies that consist only of “okay” and “no.” Use this to tackle the things you’d normally avoid because they inspire too many emotions. Such as: looking at how much you currently have in the bank, reading any and all DMs from people who don’t get that your Simpsonsmeme was a joke, creeping the photos of someone loosely associated with somebody you have a crush on. Then, when you inevitably accidently like one, relish how little it matters to you.
Online shop
Just kidding, none of us have any money at all. Which is why Wolf Blitzer looks so serious when staring out at us from the television: he knows what you were thinking of doing, and he is disgusted that you were about to put that expensive face cream on your nearly maxed out Visa.
Doomscroll
But only using the accounts of national restaurant and retail chains. Wonder where it all went wrong. For them, for us. Then eat a baked potato. They’re incredibly comforting. I’m going to eat one today. And reader, it will not be my last.
Need a little more Anne? Read more from Anne T. Donahue right here!
