What NOT to Say to Your Single Friends

Hey, ladies. Just a reminder: always a bridesmaid doesn’t always mean you’re destined to wander this earth alone like Sasquatch. We know you love your single friends but sometimes those encouraging comments that are meant to cheer them up just don’t come across the way you meant them (remember when your high school boyfriend said your carefully chosen outfit was interesting? Yeah, the wrong turn of phrase or a backhanded compliment can set your unattached pals reeling). Think (and read) before you speak:

1. When you say: Awww, I can’t wait until you find someone!
Your single gal pal hears: Your poor, lonely creature.  While I’m basking in the warm glow of a sun that shines only on the married, you must pine alone in your turret in Spinster Castle, weaving a blanket made of your own lonely tears to comfort yourself against the chill of eternal loneliness. I pray for you and your mortal soul. I do.
Instead, try:
Literally anything else. Have you seen the video of a French bulldog who can’t roll onto his stomach? Did you know that Alexa Chung has a new line for Madewell that will kick your face in? Did you get your hair cut?

2. When you say: You must be having so fun being single. Like, so Sex and The City, right?
Your single gal pal hears: Tales of your singlehood are making me uncomfortable, and are filling my heart with a sense of pity I usually reserve for orphans on late-night television commercials. While I’m sure that your tales of harlotry are entertaining to your turbotramp friends, I can only imagine the mistakes you have made after one too many glasses of Pinot Grigio. Please stop talking.
Instead, try:
I heard you met a boy who gives you butterflies in your stomach and you kissed him in his car outside of your apartment like a couple of teens. Tell. Me. Everything.

3. When you say: Don’t you think you’re being a little too picky?
Your single gal pal hears: You’re really not as pretty as you think you are. Seriously. Time to cash it in and settle for that guy who looks at you like he’s going lock you in the basement and  make a suit out of your skin.
Instead, try:
In the words of Jay-Z, on to the next one. You are a prize and a precious gem. (You can maybe skip the last sentence, but keep it in your back pocket for next time).

4. When you say: You want 4 kids? Shouldn’t you have already started by now?
Your single gal pal hears: Your fragile eggs are getting sparser with every passing month. Each day you spend not being pregnant is a day closer to having a baby with two heads. I see no other option but for you to give up all of your hopes and dreams and turn your apartment into a cat palace.
Instead, try:
Oh, that’s great! You’re going to be an awesome mom who drives a Volvo station wagon and raises precocious children with gender-ambiguous names just like you always wanted! I will always be there to babysit for free and our kids will be besties just like us.

5. When you say: You know, a lot of women are getting married later in life now.
Your single gal pal hears:
Tick tock, girlfriend. We all know you’re no Demi Moore. And even if you were, Ashton’s her SECOND husband. I don’t want you to feel defective, but maybe you are?
Instead, try:
To keep that thought to yourself.  File it away in that special place where you keep things that you don’t say out loud, between asking a stranger whether she is pregnant and the fact that it was you who farted in that elevator. 

All the single ladies: We know we didn’t get it all in here, so what drives you nuts?

Sympatico Image

single_150x150_0.jpg

Tags: best friend, bridesmaid, hurt feelings, insults, lonely, Marriage, Relationships, sex and the city, single, taboo, unsaid

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Comments

  1. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I’m 27 and a virgin and been on one date and never had a bf (hence why i am a virgin). So most people think I am a lesbian, tell me i am TOO picky… or ask why i’m not WITH someone. That is when my friends aren’t talking about my virginity like its some plague i need a booster shot to get rid of…
  2. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I’m 27 and a virgin and been on one date and never had a bf (hence why i am a virgin). So most people think I am a lesbian, tell me i am TOO picky… or ask why i’m not WITH someone. That is when my friends aren’t talking about my virginity like its some plague i need a booster shot to get rid of…
  3. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Everyone around me is getting divorced or having babies to try to prevent being divorced, all the while telling me they wished they never got married. No one ever tells me that they feel sorry for me because the truth of the matter is, they feel sorry for themselves, being in marriages that they don’t like, looking after selfish kids they wished they never had. I get, “You made the right choice” or “You are so lucky you didn’t accept your marriage offers.” My uncle once said to me, “When are you going to get married and have kids.” When I refused to feel sorry for the fact the I wasn’t interested in either he said in desperate exasperation “If I had to give up being single to be married to a nutcase woman with ungrateful children, why should you get to escape this punishment when the rest of us are imprisoned in marriage!” That sums it all up there. Sometimes friends are genuinely concerned and want you to be happy within a nice relationship; but if they continually hound you about this after you have told them repeatedly you are not interested or they give you backhanded compliments chances are pretty good THEY are the ones who are unhappy. Both women and men grow to envy single people who can screw whoever they wish, never have to worry about commitment and can spend all their money on their OWN desires. They want you strapped into marriage and childhood so that you are not a symbol to them of the freedom they could have enjoyed if they didn’t give into the cult of marriage and parenthood.
  4. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    There are two for me:
    This is a conversation I had with some co-workers:
    Them: So do you have a boyfriend?
    Me: Nope, I’ve never had a boyfriend.
    Them: How can you have never had a boyfriend?
    Me: I’ve never really been into dating.
    Them: How can you not be into dating!? You have to date! Get out there and date!
    Me: Why? (To which they had no real answer).
    (They heard: Doesn’t date–sits at home at knits. Which to some extent is true, because I have very little money. But I do go out, and just the other night went dancing in a group of 4 hot Frenchmen and 1 hot Irishman and I was the only woman…)
    The other one that really bugs me is:
    Awwww, don’t worry, relationships aren’t actually that great. (Really? Why are you still in one? Why is it constantly being shoved down my throat?)
  5. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Nora, This should be on the news NIGHTLY. Not everyone has to get married PLUS being married is NO promise that it will last forever and no promises for happiness AND if you are young and divorced, the stigma gets even worse. Your article is GOLDEN.
  6. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    You’re gorgeous, you have a good job…So, Why are you still single? (that’s been said by women and men alike)!!!
  7. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    “Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone!”
  8. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Nora, on behalf of singletons everywhere, you. are. awesome.
  9. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    “Have you tried match.com?”
  10. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Everyone around me is getting divorced or having babies to try to prevent being divorced, all the while telling me they wished they never got married. No one ever tells me that they feel sorry for me because the truth of the matter is, they feel sorry for themselves, being in marriages that they don’t like, looking after selfish kids they wished they never had. I get, “You made the right choice” or “You are so lucky you didn’t accept your marriage offers.” My uncle once said to me, “When are you going to get married and have kids.” When I refused to feel sorry for the fact the I wasn’t interested in either he said in desperate exasperation “If I had to give up being single to be married to a nutcase woman with ungrateful children, why should you get to escape this punishment when the rest of us are imprisoned in marriage!” That sums it all up there. Sometimes friends are genuinely concerned and want you to be happy within a nice relationship; but if they continually hound you about this after you have told them repeatedly you are not interested or they give you backhanded compliments chances are pretty good THEY are the ones who are unhappy. Both women and men grow to envy single people who can screw whoever they wish, never have to worry about commitment and can spend all their money on their OWN desires. They want you strapped into marriage and childhood so that you are not a symbol to them of the freedom they could have enjoyed if they didn’t give into the cult of marriage and parenthood.
  11. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    There are two for me:
    This is a conversation I had with some co-workers:
    Them: So do you have a boyfriend?
    Me: Nope, I’ve never had a boyfriend.
    Them: How can you have never had a boyfriend?
    Me: I’ve never really been into dating.
    Them: How can you not be into dating!? You have to date! Get out there and date!
    Me: Why? (To which they had no real answer).
    (They heard: Doesn’t date–sits at home at knits. Which to some extent is true, because I have very little money. But I do go out, and just the other night went dancing in a group of 4 hot Frenchmen and 1 hot Irishman and I was the only woman…)
    The other one that really bugs me is:
    Awwww, don’t worry, relationships aren’t actually that great. (Really? Why are you still in one? Why is it constantly being shoved down my throat?)
  12. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Nora, This should be on the news NIGHTLY. Not everyone has to get married PLUS being married is NO promise that it will last forever and no promises for happiness AND if you are young and divorced, the stigma gets even worse. Your article is GOLDEN.
  13. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    You’re gorgeous, you have a good job…So, Why are you still single? (that’s been said by women and men alike)!!!
  14. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    “Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone!”
  15. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Nora, on behalf of singletons everywhere, you. are. awesome.
  16. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    “Have you tried match.com?”

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