Let’s chalk this up to something we’ve all survived: Tom Hiddleston, a 35-year-old grown adult, was spotted at Taylor Swift’s July 4 party wearing a tank top that said “I [Heart] T.S.” (And also a temporary tattoo.)
So okay, cool! They’re dating. Congratulations! Or not, because I am also cynical and convinced this a publicity stunt I don’t want any part in. But too late — I am, because I am a person who had to watch this weird couple canoodle all over my newsfeed as I screamed into the abyss, “Tom Hiddleston what are you doing?”
Because listen: I don’t care who he’s dating, actually. You want to date a person, date a person. Taylor Swift? Sure. Okay. But leave the rest of us out of it. Guys, Taylor and Tom are like that couple in high school who make out directly in front of your locker and don’t move until you are screaming “EXCUSE ME” to their faux surprised, “Oh, we didn’t see you there!’
Which is why I think we’re so angry about this relationship. Somehow we all got dragged into it, like the classmates of a couple vying for prom king and queen despite our school having cancelled the prom, and it’s not even high school, it’s university, so relax.
Nobody here is relaxing. Instead, adult humans are parading their relationship around as though they’re the first people to have had one, and that’s embarrassing. For all of us. I am embarrassed. I am looking at photos of a grown man wearing a tank top in the ocean (like, come on) and I feel gross. First, because pubic displays of affection are my least favourite thing to witness ever, and also because if I were dating a guy who wore a tank top that said “I [Heart] A.T.D.” I would end the relationship immediately because he’d obviously lost his mind.
“You’re 35!” I would say. “What are you doing?”
The only thing making me feel better is knowing that you guys are also all screaming the same thing. Mainly because we’ve been forced to watch the most public situation without being asked if we even want to. And also because most of us are terrific cynics who can tell when we’re being had, and this feels that way. Nothing here seems genuine, it all seems like a music video centred around the 1%. And I think I can watch the Kardashians do it because they’re honest about who they are and what they want. But Taylor and Tom?
Let’s just say there’s a reason I’ve never subscribed to the LL Bean catalogue.