This weekend marks the millionth annual Academy Awards, and while I would pay cold, hard cash for a Viola Davis speech (her words heal hearts, goddamn it), I’m that nightmare of a person I used fear becoming: I don’t care about the Oscars this year.
And it’s not because I think I’m better than the Oscars. I’m not sitting here going all, “Um, the Oscars don’t matter” when they still obviously do (I’m not obtuse, you guys). I’m just . . . too tired. Is that it? I’m tired? Probably. This Sunday, I’m going to a basketball game with one of my best pals and I wish everybody well but also I don’t have it in me right now. This year, the Oscars feel like a party you said you’d go to when you were up late and having a ton of fun but now it’s six months later and the day of the party and it’s cold and it’s raining and you’re like “I would rather pass away than leave my home.” That’s it.
But look: maybe you care. (Do you?) (Congratulations if yes!) So because I’m a wizard and enjoy testing the limits of how wizard-like I am, here are my official Oscar predictions. Meet me back here on Monday to confirm/deny how much of a genius I am.
This Sunday at the Oscars, expect:
- Jimmy Kimmel to make at least one (1) joke that is absolutely not a good call
- That joke to be eclipsed by a presenter going off-script and making an even worse joke
- La La Land to win too many awards
- Moonlight to win . . . guys, I want it to win a bunch, so let’s say that if La La Land doesn’t sweep, Moonlight does, thank you and good night
- Jokes about Ryan Gosling being a total babe
- Jokes about Meryl Streep being a great actor
- Jokes about Hidden Fences, the movie that doesn’t exist to anybody but those who didn’t do their homework
- Casey Affleck to win something which will cause rolling rage blackouts (see: sexual assault allegations) throughout the greater part of North America
- Zero acknowledgements of Casey Affleck’s sexual assault allegations
- To see Mel Gibson in the midst of his post-anti-Semitic comeback
- To feel really weird about the two aforementioned points and as a result, asking yourself, “Am I being overly sensitive?”
- To realize you are not being over-sensitive, we just exist within a system that allows men like these to thrive
- I’m sorry
- A feeling of rage over the realization Amy Adams has not won an Oscar yet
- 10 minutes of your time wondering when Amy Adams will win anything
- The saddest In Memorium ever
- At least 20 minutes wondering if you should watch more movies
- At least 20 minutes wondering if everyone on your Twitter feed really saw all these movies
- To realize it’s 12 30 a.m. and there isn’t an end to the ceremony in sight
- To realize it’s 12 30 a.m. on Sunday March 5 and you’ve been watching this ceremony for seven days
- To say “seven days” like the girl in The Ring
- To realize you haven’t actually been watching the Oscars at all
- It’s fine, you are free
- Until you realize that for as long as it took you to read this, I’ve been going through your wallet and closet this whole time
- I’m sorry
- Not really
- Thank you for the slacks
