We’re now two episodes into Riverdale’s second season, and I already have thoughts. The first: ughhhhhhh, and the second: see answer one.
Guys, I really want to love season two. I want to love it as much as I loved season one after I binged the first six episodes and wept when Jughead had to move out of the movie theatre. I want to love the Hot Dads (Skeet Ulrich, Luke Perry, and Mark Consuelos, respectively) and get angry about Archie’s music career. I want more Josie and the Pussycats, and then even more Josie and the Pussycats. But instead, I’m getting not a lot of that, and instead I’m getting an abundance of serial killer plot and strange parental behaviours. So if we’re going to proceed, I’m going to need the following items addressed. Because my taste in everything is perfect, and I should be in charge of every show. Listen to me, showrunners.
- If the serial killer plot is the main focal point of season two, it has to be the greatest payoff in the history of the world. Which I say because honestly, by the time we figured out who killed Jason Blossom, I couldn’t give a shit. I just could not. I didn’t care, and I still don’t care. I mean, if the serial killer turns out to be one guy we met for five seconds in the third episode, I’m going to be livid. Truly, if it isn’t one of Mr. Blossom’s old wigs come to life, I almost don’t ever want to find out what’s going on.
- Are the Serpents cool? Is it wrong if I think they’re cool? Can we get on board with Jughead going full Serpent? It was hot when he got on that bike, right? I’m not on that new, weird drug I refuse to name that Moose and Midge were popping in the parking lot. What I’m saying is I want Jughead to go full Heisenberg and deep dive hard into that organized crime life. Cole Sprouse can pull it off. Archie cannot. And that’s why he should be written off the show.
- I never want “jingle jangle” mentioned again. I’m so embarrassed that this is a plot device. I don’t do drugs and also I am 100 years old, but if I did and I was younger, saying “jingle jangle” out loud while looking to score would be reason enough not to score. Do people still say “score”? I don’t care. I hate this. Never mention it again.
- We need more Skeet Ulrich. I don’t care what he’s doing, I don’t care what he says. We just need him in as many scenes as humanly possible. He is the Daryl Dixon of Riverdale in that he is both the hero we need and the one we deserve right now. (Also, he is a massive babe.)
- We also need more Dark Betty. This week, we saw a bit. Next week, I want she and Jughead to model themselves after Jessica Chastain and Oscar Isaac in A Most Violent Year. (Even though Oscar Isaac wasn’t even close to a Serpent. But whatever, who even cares. I make the rules here going forward.)
- Is Archie okay? Like, remember when he didn’t replace the cast last week covered in his father’s blood? What was that about? Sorry, but that’s weird. Wash your bandage, dude. Get a new cast. Let’s start there. And also: I understand that he is clearly reeling from watching his Dad get shot (which may have also been an attempt on his own life), but keeping vigil with a bat overnight in hopes of catching the perp? Guy, no. Stop this. What am I supposed to feel for Archie? Annoyance? All the time? Why am I always annoyed by Archie? What’s he doing that’s making me so mad? JUST ARTICULATE, BOY is what I yell at my computer for 45 minutes every Thursday. Remember when he and Veronica hooked up in the shower and minutes later he’s like “GO HOME”? Are you kidding me? Jog on, son. Sort it out. You aren’t cool enough for any of the women in this show, let’s be real.
- Also, as an aside, it’s weird that the parents care so much about their kids. Like, that’s weird, right? When I was in high school, my parents just wanted me to call when I got to a friend’s house, and even then, they had no idea who the friend even was. And yet, in Riverdale, these parents CARE SO MUCH. Too much. I hate it. Why do they have time for this? Why aren’t they worrying about their jobs or paying bills or their own lives? Are parents in real life like this? I hate it. Make it stop. Make Betty’s mom decide she’s going to start selling Avon or participate in a pyramid scheme so when Betty’s like “I have a boyfriend!!” she’s all like, “I do not care, nor do I have time for this.” Turn Betty’s mom into Lucille Bluth, is what I’m saying. Then I will be appeased.
And that’s just after this week. So onward to next, with hopes that somehow the showrunners have hopped into a time machine they plan to use to put my suggestions into action. See you guys at Pop’s.